The Truth Is

She had a crazy natural way of just looking at me and my hesitations all to often faltered to her charm. I had become decidedly quick at answering her questions or saying yes to her prompts; for fear that she may change her mind and I would be left wondering what if. I hoped she wouldn't notice the excited quiver when I sometimes spoke to her or notice how awkward I was at being normal. If she had there was no sign of it. I walked- inebriated by the night air and the smell of her so close to me- in lines that could no sooner be called straight then lines at all. We were masked by darkness and unfamiliar sights and for me anyway there was a sense of freedom, of limitless imagination. We could be anyone to the world, to ourselves and to each other. I had no fears of what others thought about me or us. The only thing that mattered was that underneath all the bullshit she saw me; really saw me.  
I don't think I had ever had so much feeling in just my fingertips; nerve endings exposed in my palm I never knew existed. At the same time it seemed as though the rest of my body was so incredibly numb.

Exhausting Purpose

We stopped, whole heartedly belting out a terrible tune- getting the words all wrong. And I remember thinking that there was no line between today and yesterday. Just the moon and the stars separating a tired old sun and our beating hearts counting the hours. Frail to amusement that came around once and a while; but mostly only heavy silence and cartoon anxiety.
We were ticked off school kids with a flaming desire for nothing more then adventure. Terrorizing hallways with our get back glares and mouths full of gossip. Far more oblivious than we could have ever imagined; with every purpose in our steps yet none at all.
We must have stood on top of staircases never quite imagining where we could possibly end up. And here beyond the walls of structure, struggling with a routine long passed, we wait on broken benches.

We scuttled behind desks bigger then we were once used too, crammed into classrooms full of people more driven then the cars we owned. Names became familiar but faces were always distant and we floated between acceptance and isolation. Pressure built its way around downtime and sleep, while relaxation became a word better known as sanity.
We revelled in the sense of purpose, of belonging. The lights were dim but the road was long and we never thought it would end.
We started listing student as our job when asked, and though at first we didn't tire of its explanation eventually our degree became something entirely different- because no one seemed to understand. Or the endless comments were always just the same.
We took pride in our inside know how and found comfort in the idea that life was just beyond that expensive little paper.

Or at least we could believe.

Life in the blink of a shuttered eye, sheltered by purpose, reaching always forward but never quite grasping the moment. Which at a moments notice
Is already gone.

Her Loving

Her loving is unlike anything I’ve felt before. 

Its an undeniable pleasure, an indescribable craving. 

Her loving is the perfect contrast;
Her soft lips pressed firm against mine, rough and passionate, tender and yet so lustfully egar. Every nerve on end, 
my hand tangled in her hair desperately trying to bring her closer.
 
Her loving is like a song;
Her melody plays in my ear, the most beautiful harmony, a fusion of tapered breathing and sounds only my body knows how to respond too.
A song I don’t quite know the words to but I would listen all night long just to get it right. 


Her loving is intrinsic; 
She knows my body, she listens to it, she moves with it, her hands exploring and recording my movements. 
Every caress feels meant for me and I cannot get enough.


Her loving is essential;
Physically from her hand in mine too our bodies intertwined, the way we fit so perfectly side by side, the nudges and dancing our slow kiss and fast pace. 


Her loving is essential;
Mentally from our silly conversations to the overwhelming confrontations, the bubbly emotions and confused commotion of it all coming together at once. 


Her loving is beautiful

Pieces

Everything feels as though it is falling to pieces in front of me
There is nothing I can do.
Everything I do seems to make things worse.
Something inside screaming to escape, stealing my breathe.
I care far too much smothering you with my worry and love
What do I do.
It hurts and the words don't come out right
I don't want to lose you.

Mixed

My mind is thoughts racing through empty space,
Speeding up my heart too match it's pace.
The tickle in my throat grows,
Spreading to my toes,
Tightening my thighs,
Closing my dry eyes.
Im alert and I'm aware
Into darkness I blankly stare.
And though im lying down
I feel high up off the ground.
As though I am soaring to my heart beat
Tumbling through a thorned back street,
Freeing but unapologetic

Melody of Night

Smoky kisses and hazy eyes,
100th yawn beneath moonlit skies.
Midnight cuddles, the warmest touch
Embrace so tight, but not too much.
Silly banter, restless minds,
Laughter filling empty times.
Countless moments I ask you why
You'd like to be here by my side.
The sun is weary, it comes to soon
Rising up above the moon.
Looks of longing, prolonged goodbye
Hugs and kisses
Just for tonight.

S

If she could see her smile,
Really truly witness its every curve,
She would know how magical it is when it appears,
And how tragic it is too see it fade.
She would feel the warmth it brings
Especially if it were directed at her.

She's rational but sometimes silly,
And I -for some unknown reason-
Am lucky enough too witness all of her
wonderful,
scary,
beautiful contradictions.
Loving every indescribable bit of her.
Crazy,  grouchy, playful, quiet, giddy, serious, sad.
Everything.

She makes me want too be better, too feel better and too do better.
The thought of being near her makes my heart race
And I still can't help the butterflies that creep up.

She is the shoulder I can hide my head in when real life gets too sour,
And her head is the one I want rested on my shoulder.
Her eyes are the lullaby that calms my storms,
And when she looks at me I feel wanted and confident.
There isn't a thing I would change.
I love her.

Sinking In

Its just so hard to make people understand
How this fills my body with sand and makes it hard to move,
How time feels so raw and real, ticking by as if I was paralysed by its grip.
And everything feels as if it is to late.
How lonely I sometimes become,
But how horrible it feels to subject the ones I love to my terror inside.
My stare becomes distant, I lose my will to speak and I try to hide away.
Why do I have to be so difficult
I don't mean to be so frustrating.
I feel weak.
I feel tired.
I'm cold and my minds a mess.
But I don't want to be alone.

Lines- Music

I would describe it as almost a trance,
hypnotized by the melody, blood flowing through the beat.
My body could be compromised,
Everything bubbling up from my stomach,
Being released through slight vibrations of my vocal cords.

Lines- Things to Remember

What happened

I stood at the door peering through the fogged and mangled glass waiting to see her appear behind it.

When I finally see her walking towards me behind the heavy metal and glass I awkwardly wave though the door is still between us, because I feel like I have been caught starring. And the butterflies start. Actually they started about halfway down the road so I suppose they simply intensify. She hugs me as though I will float away without her holding me, and I am grateful because I feel that very well may happen. My back is close to the wall and she is close to me, looking at me and I have the urge to pull her closer and lean back. She grabs my hand and leads me downstairs, shyly smiling, to show me her newly painted room.   

Lines- Finding Me

I'm frustrated; I want to say something that I can't take back but it would be totally unfair to everyone. It's been on my mind and in my dreams and banging on the inside of my chest. I don't think I can change where I am at or where I am heading and I feel guilty for wanting to get it out of myself so bad. Every inch of me is shaking and is torn between lives.

Lines- Story

This is for you but maybe its kind of for me too. And I know you may not be entirely sure who you are. That's okay; however maybe one day I wont be such a coward and will be able to tell you exactly what I'd like to say. For now I just need to get it out. I saw you what feels like forever ago and I never knew what to do with that. Time seems to change things. I wish I could tell you from the start that I'd connected the thoughts I have now to the feelings I have always felt but I honestly can't; it took me a long time to get where I am and unfortunately a long time of building a whole other life for myself. You look at me and I wonder what is going through your mind. Let me go back just a little bit here and explain.
There was a moment of silence before we spoke but seemingly it wasn't to each other and I wished that it were because all I wanted was to see your pretty smile directed at me. And I don't understand why; nothing seems to make sense anymore. I like being close to you so I was sitting just a little to closely; but you didn't seem to notice or maybe you just didn't mind. I slam back another drink and you laugh at someone's joke so I laugh too and I elbow you playfully just to make a tiny bit of contact. Its just another night after a long day and the whole office is out for the most part. As the night wears on I start to question why I seem to follow you around like a lost puppy dog. I'm trying not to bother you.
I went to summer camp one year and there was someone that I was so intrigued by; that made me laugh and I thought we got along great. She joked with me and made me feel as though we were close. It turns out however that she was annoyed by the way I followed her and always seemed to want to be around her. One day she was hanging out in a room with a bunch of other people and one of my friends came out to tell me that she didn't want me in there because I was freaking her out and she thought I was in love with her. For the whole rest of the week I felt sick and spent a lot of time lying on my bunk with my back to everyone. She didn't understand what was wrong and kept trying to joke with me but it was to late. I had thought we were a good team but this hurt more then anything I had ever felt before.
Ever since then I'm always nervous about scaring people off or smothering them. And I certainly never wanted to smother you. I really didn't know how long it would last as it was and how I could continue just pretending things were strictly business. Your quiet mysterious way was intoxicating and still gets me. I slam back two more drinks before we run into each other again across the bar. I was giddy and drunk and spouting off random shit. After everyone has nearly gone I offer to walk you home. The night air was cool and refreshing and I couldn't help but feel the desire to hold your hand so I tried desperately to push the thought from my mind.  But when we finally faced each other to say goodbye you leaned in for a hug and I caught your lips with mine. And for a moment it was euphoric, beautiful and incredible; everything I had always dreamed. The moment passed and I felt incredibly guilty; how could I do this to you.

Lines- Thought on Thoughts

Thoughts like most things come and go so frequently that one hardly notices they were even there. Some thoughts however linger like icicles from a daunting rooftop; until one day the icicle falls and leave an empty confused mess of water and uneven shards. But there's often nothing to say about everything and the thought goes unacknowledged because by no means do you ever hope to explain its existence. Truth be told I feel like this a lot. My mind is a force field impenetrable by even my own mouth; when I do somehow find the words to speak I feel terribly misunderstood. But its a rarity that words leave their comfortable nest in my head anyways and I am most of the time very content this way.
I don't remember a whole lot from when I was younger and sometimes I try really hard; its a shame because I cherish memories and fear losing them when I die. Funny how these intangible pieces of life are what I want the most. Everything fades. When I was little I had a watch; it had Winnie the Pooh on its face and a brown faux leather strap. I wanted so badly to preserve the watch in my mind that I took a box and while my dad was building walls in a new playhouse- in a yard I once knew but will never see again- I put the box inside the wall. Forever lost to me.
I have a gift. Do you want to feel special? Unique? Of course everyone does. I know just how to play on your ego. Will you let me try? It goes beyond your hair or eyes sometimes even your smile. Just promise you'll see me too.

Lines- Struggle

Who wants to be with someone who's sad most of the time, Tessa thought as she lay in bed. It was about mid afternoon and she had somehow found her way back there. Nothing in particular had actually happened that day, at least nothing anyone would feel was entirely significant. Tessa's eyes watered and she struggled to breath as her chest began to contract. "I'm just pathetic". The covers were pulled to her chin and distress painted her face. No one could quite understand the ghost that dwelled within her; the lonely eyes, the faint frown and her quiet void voice. Tessa had more then she could hope for but the sinking feeling always returned; sometimes worse then before where her insides felt that they were in excruciating pain. She turned on some music and switched her phone to silent. There was nothing she hated more then to make a fool of herself when she was in this state. And it was quite justifiable as her filter never withheld during these times of great sadness. She had managed to get herself in a great deal of trouble with her phone and she didn't feel like texting every person she knew searching for validation.
There was only one person she wanted to talk to and it appeared that this was the worst idea of all; so she refrained hesitantly. Tessa didn't however refrain from looking back at messages and wondering were she had gone wrong, if she had in fact done something wrong or if she was reading to much into it. "It shouldn't matter" she kept repeating in her head "I shouldn't care". And maybe she shouldn't but for some reason or another she did and it bugged her immensely that through all the messages the conversation had ended just as abruptly as it had began. Sunlight poured through the curtains sides begging to be acknowledged. It was not the kind of day one could ignore without reason.

Lines- The Coffee Shop

The small girl with plain features walked hesitantly into the quaint coffee shop that stood just slightly off the corner of main street. Admittedly she hadn't been there many times but she enjoyed it for the strange crowd and cozy feel. On that particular day, however, going in was not meant for people watching or warm feelings. She held her favorite book in one hand in case she would have to wait a while and to not draw so much attention to herself. Celia knew that what she was doing was slightly weird and possibly a little creepy but dreams haunted her with the idea and she just had to know. She ordered a London fog and a light pastry to keep her stomach at ease. There was this guy. He looked just slightly like Charlie Dalton from dead poet society and had a quiet misery about himself that Celia could not simply ignore. She knew he often frequented the coffee shop after long work days. She was hoping to somehow run into him by accident only she wasn't entirely sure if today would be one of his days. She got settled in in a dark corner section of the café; uncurling the well read page she often paused at and skimming down to her most favourite passage.

Lines- The Girl

Her fragile hands land sofetly in mine by accident;  almost brushing unnoticeably by and im lost. Simply and uncontrollably lost. If the world revolved around her quiet and tender voice I would want for nothing. I would crave never again because my ears just beg to hear her over and over. Her smile makes my heart jump noisily and her giddy quiver of excitement is all too much to bare. I am at a lose for words which happens often but not usually like this. Not usually when I want so badly to speak and cant but not for lack of words.
I lower my eyes so as not to stare to long. But I want to see that face, those lips, that strange but intriguing earing. I am insane, I imagine our relationship from beginning to end already. I can see how we fall in love, can imagine our first kiss and how we'd talk for hours and she'd nuzzle herself close to me; making me feel like there's no where in the world she would rather be. And I'd smoother her with a million kisses just because my lips wouldn't be able to resist. She's magical and I don't even know her. I have a name and one small interaction to hang onto for as long as my heart will carry it. It may sound silly but I find myself wondering if it is love at first site people always talk about. She's quirky and so entirely soft spoken. All I have is a name. Honestly when I heard her speak and I looked at are, truly finally looked at her, well I was struck. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't know how to feel.

Lines- Unfinished Song

It's light out and I'm alone now,
Can't find my way home bound;
But its not so bad.
See your face on the ride there,
Holding on to that warm stare

Lines- Terrible Decisions

She sauntered to her car; having walked a whole twenty minutes already in heals and in frost bitten weather. Her hair stuck to her face and she could barely breath any longer. At the beginning of the night she certainly had not planned to drink that much and she most definitely did not plan on sleeping with the sleazy guy from the office who once and a while sent her dirty texts. The night had made her bitter and tired and quite frankly sick of her own ability to make terrible decisions. She questioned for a moment whether she should drive or not; it had been nearly two hours since her last drink and she felt fine besides feeling embarrassed and aggravated.

Lines- Won't Let Go

"Don't worry" I said; gripping tightly onto what little composure I had left. "I won't let go"
And thats just it. I won't. I refuse to.
As I ramble on I know she won't hear me or at least she won't believe me. But I have to try.

Lines- Time

Once I wished upon a falling star and it led me promptly to the edge of existence. All I could see for miles was time and soon time became my friend.

Fall Blog Cleaning

Hello All!
Fall Cleaning time, I am cleaning out my drafts
WHICH MEANS,
Basically here come the fragments. Unfinished poems, lines I've pondered and bits and pieces will be flooding my blog today :)
They will be labelled "Lines" and "Draft Cleaning" if for whatever reason you would like to find all them click these labels in the sidebar !

Reach

I hear you as though I am beneath water struggling to make out the important parts,
My eyes, a shielded grey, see you only through murky darkness.
A silver screen. Terrible dreams. A burnt out porch light lonely for its purpose.
When words become murmurs,
Eyes become spotlights
And worry sets in with compromising  detail.
I wonder if I'm less appealing in the daylight,
Exposed in true colours,
Not filtered by the usual florescent lights.

Would That I Could

What if 

I had the confidence to put myself out there.

What would that look like?

I would sing as loudly as I could in my car without worrying,

I would smile without looking down when walking by,

My words wouldn't come out so jumbled 

And People would respect me.

I would hold your hand tighter,

Pull you closer when everyone else is around 

I would show you every bit of me without hesitation,

I wouldn't wince at the sound of the phone ringing

Never dreading if the person on the other end picked up  

Or worry what anyone thought of me.

I would probably care more about the way I look,

Without worrying about how others see me. 

What if 

I didn't worry about others liking me.

I wouldn't spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy,

I would be less pressured,

I'd write what I want, 

Say what I feel without the need for validation,

Or praise. 

What if 

I didn't think so much...

Edge of a Dream

Green like the sea I could dive into,
Tired like the day I met you,
With the ferocity of fire burning to be seen,
And the stiffness of gears untended.
You, at the edge of a dream screaming,
Please come get me.
Nearly to the end of the dock crying into the air,
I can no longer feel you near.
The sun kissed and angry waves
Raging on against my feeble fingertips.
Do you remember what it felt like to laugh?
She asked.
The flooded doorsteps and burnt windows of memories
Crashing in on themselves.
Only when I'm with you.
And it all fades,
Quick,
Like the force it had used to push its way in,
Quicker yet.
But never taking with it the pain I feel when you're gone,
Or my desire to never let you go.

Silent Sorrows

There's a feeling all over my body I can't seem to shake,
I go to sleep and it doesn't go away, I dream of it and wake up to it magnified and trembling ugly on my lips; fluttering maliciously in my stomach, threatening vile. And I can't move, won't move; can't make these eyes sleep any longer but being awake feels almost worse.
My mind turns songs into screeching and love into guilt;
Drawn out, wretched and life sucking guilt I decidedly deserve to experience. I am imprisoned by a lake of hatred, darkness and fear; over powering my entire being, taking over my life;
My not so horrible life... and I hate that there's so much worse out there and I can't even keep it together.
There are people who have been through hell but do not bow down sniveling as I do to nothing more than a feeling; an emotion I am meant to accept or ignore.
But I struggle. And I thrash destructively about.
Guilt again for being so freaking down when I should be thankful.
Maybe resilience is not within me.
So I tell my heart to stop decaying and my stomach to stop aching and my lips to stop faltering and my mind to stop turning but nothing seems to listen and I lay in bed sick instead;
Managing my silent sorrows alone because they aren't mine to feel.

Petal Princess

I want to cover my skin in flowers ,
Wrap them delicately around my arms and legs,
So I can forever remember the way summer smells when I'm around you.
I want to feel the way they sometimes brush my face as though they never existed at all,
And how they tighten in the heat, excited but afraid.
If the petals fall as they often do, I will kiss each one goodbye with the gentle thought of you,
And when all has withered it will be a reminder that not all good things can be held.
But I hope when that day comes your smell will be my summer,
Your touch will be the soft reminder that I'm alive, a ghost if you will of everything beautiful,
And your arms
Tightly wrapped around me with every hope you won't let go,
Just change and grow with me ,
Love with me, feel with me.
Some days may wither while others will flourish,
And there is a need to make room for the new,
But everything different I hope comes with you.

Day 3 July 3

I replay the night time in my dreams.
The smile I wait for when you're half asleep;
Or the way sometimes when my hand
Runs slightly over your sides you jerk unplanned.
How when I push your buttons you threaten to punch me in the face,
Yet I know you never will,
But still...
I try to stop cause you've asked so nicely.
That light innocent giggle gets me every time,
Almost sleepy and hopeful to break your trust would feel like a crime.
Wrapping every last nerve and butterfly I have around you
Hoping you won't float away and staring up at the stars.

July 2 Day 2

Snuggles that keep me warm & make me feel safe.
Or just being close to you even if you seem distracted.
When you're cuddled up behind me how I feel as though
There is only that moment and nothing else matters.
How without even knowing it you sooth the fears and jealousy
I feel towards her in my hypocritical way- but this isn't the place for that.
When you try to tickle me and I pretend it doesn't work.
How much you love your dog.
The summer sun.
Your smile.
A kiss.
This.

July 1 Day1

I can not begin to explain the feel of your hands on my skin.
The light touch and soft shock that sinks to my core.
And we walk as though there is no where else in the world quite like this,
Your arms on my hips and that one sweet light kiss
I wasnt expecting.
The air dances around us and teases your hair,
I just cant stop watching, I can't help but stare.
Your laugh that echoes between us fills every crack in the sidewalk
The way I imagine it soothing my heart of its dark talk.
And in a crowd it seemed it was just you and me
Your eyes were the point so far as I could see.
A moon orange and melodious hangs in front of us
As lights shimmer through the open sky.
My favorite part of today was you and I.

My New Writing Challenge

Hello EVERYONE
Recently I have been having some troubles keeping myself writing SO I decided to challenge myself using the recent trend 100 Happy Days The idea behind 100 Happy Days is to stop and recognize the little things in everyday that make us happy. The original challenge is to take a picture of something in that day that made you feel happy- no matter how big or small- everyday for a hundred days. I decided to apply this idea to writing. For the next 100 days I will be posting a poem or personal entry everyday about something that made my day :) 

The Walls of Repetition

Sometimes you make me feel like an idiot.

Like my clumsy at times absent-mindedness is such an inconvenience.

Mostly I just shut up because you're right;

Though you don't say it, I can hear it in the tone of your voice,

In when you slam things around like you're frantically trying to take it out on the world;

I'm stupid, and frustrating and contrary to what I like people to believe 

HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING.

Then you smile and expect me to smile back up at you from where you knocked me down.

And maybe its not on purpose;

Maybe I don't know what I am talking about.

But this hot and cold isn't running so smooth over my skin any more.
I've grown tired of the blisters and terrified of the chill;
The acid of your good intentions peals it all away until I am left with nothing;
Nothing but these scars and some good memories,
And it seems I do nothing but defend these scars.
And you're good and sweet and I'm so messed up.
At the pit of who I am I can hear these walls screaming at me,
Whispering to me, telling me lies parading as truths;
It doesn't matter how dressed up they are, these walls and their melting corners
Are just exactly what I know,
Where I have been a thousand times before.
And really you don't mean to.
But by all means build your height on pieces of me as I fight to keep dignity in tact,
Simply because I feel trapped inside the same ancient room 

Sea of Emotional Distress

All around I see people drowning; or atleast I think I do. It feels as though they are reaching and pulling at me; begging for me to save them. Or it feels as though they are retreating further into themselves until I can no longer see them clearly. The feeling that something isn't right is so profoundly embedded in my physical being that movement and stillness are equally as painful. Everyone is upset and I want so badly to fix whatever is wrong that I am overwhelmed. But nothing is wrong. No one is pulling at me or running from me; instead I am flailing about with ridiculous conviction. The ones around me simply watch because they are unaware of the water filling my lungs. All that is seen is what I have projected and perhaps they begin to wonder if im crazy or if my mind is so full darkness that I can't be helped. But do they feel the pain I've given them; the pain I can not own for fear I may never reach shore. I am drowning and retreating. I am at this moment not entirely okay but I can't judge the wave of undesired emotions I can only simply let them come.

Waking Thoughts

Last night in my dreams I saw you
For the first time in a long time.
And the words you said still ring in my ears,
They echo harshly through my head
"Stop thinking its you,"
A painful stinging in my heart
And irrational feeling all throughout me;
It isn't real but I'm still hit by
"It has never been you".

All I Need

I am in love with the way you catch me off guard,

The smile behind your eyes and the warmth in your laughter.

I am in love with the night time,
When maybe I get to see you, or talk to you,
Or even just think about you uninterruptedly
I'm in love with the way you listen to me,
And not only that,
The way that you seem interested in whatever I have to say..
Even if its super lame...
I love how your hair falls elegant but effortless.
I am in love with the sleepy look in your eyes,
When its time to say goodbye,
Even though neither of us really wants to.
And I love that I can't stop thinking about you,
When sometimes the thoughts whirl around,
Because you are my catalyst but also my restraint.;
And I can't get enough. 

Once Upon a You

You is such a loaded term

In arguments it is usually a way of passing blame,

Well you... it starts, in an uproar of accusations,  

A tornado in paradise tearing through with disregard;

Slanted fingers pointed every which way, 

Always distancing the self from hurt or the responsibility of others pain;

But it starts with I feel, in a quiet hushed tone,

And the only thing important is that connection longed for by arguing in the first place.

In writing it allows the author to be open but not truly vulnerable,

To be precise but not entirely personal.

Cloaked in mystery, You are my light and my shelter;

Beaconing all to feel immersed in the very heart the words belong to.

However you in its simple written form, strung together with meaning and hidden desire

Is a platform for human connection, 

A stage on which others can stand and see exactly what they need to see,

Or feel what they long to feel and 'you' flows freely and interchangeably.  

Reflections

Here pondering and just starring at myself in the mirror;
Sometimes I feel infatuated with my own image.

It always seems to be a stranger starring at me from a far off place... 

I guess I don't spend much time really actually looking at myself.

But when I bring myself into the moment and just look, it feels so surreal

The way I move, the way my hair falls, how my eyes appear so lifeless and blank.

Maybe that sounds vain. Yet I spend so much time wishing I looked like someone else. 

In my reflection I don't see pretty, I don't get beautiful and mostly I don't feel sexy.

Actually I don't see much of anything good or bad.

There are just simply things. 

There are things that I will love and hate, things that will change and fade and fester as they are. 

Its hard to take pictures of magnificent moments because if you truly want to experience something wonderful you can not capture it; it needs to breathe and move through its own fated pattern of change. Why taint the moment getting caught up in reaching for what is already in your hand. 

This is why the most meaningful things are said into the empty air so someone can hear them as they tumble out in their initial imperfect and jumbled mess. They inhabit space, but only for a moment, then they become a precious memory; But that first raw moment can never be duplicated. And that is also why the most meaningful things are all too often forgotten. 

Desire

Energy flows through my every intricate crevice

Coursing through me like air caressing delicate leaves,

Eyes locked shut, tighter with every breath.
Pulse radiating from my finger tips,
A promise in their soft touch,
Of desire implanted in reality;
A flare of the present revealing itself deafeningly.
I could melt into this moment;
Simply electrified,
Feeling even the slightest touch all through my body
In a rush of emotional ecstasy.
Fists clenched shut and aching
Tremendously for what my hands can not reach.

Let Me Speak

My heart is menacing

It is a playground for misconception 

A mushy mess 

Its lighthouse emanating darkness 

No longer searching for lost souls 

And it has itself become lost at sea

A driftwood escape raft that has denied itself the truth 

My mind has formed ominous clouds 

Swirling and clashing with aggressive unforgeable sounds 

And in this the pleas from my heart are stifled

Finally it cries out so loudly 

Threatening to break free of its own cage

Pounding so blatantly not even my sure fire logic can ignore it

Jar of Stars

If the night sky were a field and its stars bright shining flowers

I would lie in them so peacefully

And stare at them for hours.

I would hand pick each and every one especially for you 

And I would decorate a plain old jar so they could have a view

I'd tie a purple ribbon all neatly around the top 

Then you could watch them flicker night by night non stop.
Their brilliant light can shine the way through your dark and tired days
While you wander through the foggy glass in their hope infested maze.
I'd place the moon behind them so they'd never feel alone
And I would hold your hand to the end and warm you to the bone.
To you I give this jar of stars to guard and love with all your heart
Because darlin it is a piece of me so very few get to see apart. 

Dazed

Feels like drugs coursing through my veins;
And all I can feel for a moment is my body pulsing to a dull numb.
Quiet noises filter through my ears as I lye on the ground,
Just starring at the sky through the open window;
My breath is unusually shallow
My eyes and head sting so incredibly painful,
But my heart and my mind are blank and tired;
Overused and pushed to breaking point.
Overwhelmed by every tense emotion begging to break free
I lay there breathless and spacey, maybe I'm angry
But for the time being I really don't care
Screw it

Writers Block Kind of Day

Wake up, blink , wonder

Wonder, dream, think 

check my phone; nothing,

check my social media; nothing,

Doesn't matter,

Try to come up with the perfect good morning,

Eventually settle on a cute dog pic;  

Roll out of bed,

Okay, slunk out of bed,

Tip toe,

Why am I tip toeing its nearly noon,

Look in the pantry, look in the fridge,

Back to the pantry,

What the hell do I want,

Grab some orange juice,

Check everything again,

Sit, breath, wonder,

First message;

Scroll through Netflix a million times,

Get ten minutes into something,

Nope, no most definitely not that; 

Shutter, contemplate lunch,

Nothing again, 

Look at a blank screen,

Words... pretty words, dark words,

SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Nothing... again. 

Decide to walk,

Two hours later actually walk,

Its nice, damn to nice for this sweater,

Coffee shop,

Why the hell did I get a hot drink,

Music, to slow, to fast,

Its all stupid. 

Music on shuffle, Nope not working for me.

Cute dog;

Home, say hi to the pretty girl downstairs ;

Sit on my doorstep,

More messages, More netflix, 

Depressing endings, 

Make super, okay make frozen pizza 

Blank screen,

No more messages, 

Bedtime, Sleep eventually, dream. 

Goodnight 

Liebster Award 2014

Thank you +Tanya Miranda (http://www.tanyamiranda.com/2014/05/liebster-award-2014.html)  for nominating me for the Liebster Award!
Below are some guidelines.

1.   Link back and thank the blogger who nominated you in your post.

2.   List 11 facts about yourself.

3.   Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.

4.   Pick 5 - 10 new bloggers (must have less than 300 followers) to nominate.

5.   Ask them 11 new questions. Do not re-nominate the blogger who nominated you.      

6.   Go to each blogger's site and inform them of their nomination.

11 Facts About Myself 

1. My favourite colour is yellow- my car is yellow.. :) 

2.  My favourite book is Great Gatsby

3. I don't like Valentines Day but love romantic gestures

4. My favourite ever TV couple is from as the world turns right before they ended it

5. I want to travel the world

6. Andrea Gibson is one of my favourite poets 

7. I am graduating from 4 years of University this year 

8. I have two siblings one of which is 11 months younger then me

9. I love autumn

10. Writing and art are my outlets 

11. I love Marilyn Monroe 

11 Questions Asked of Me:

1.   Why kind of shoes do you prefer to wear? (You can tell a lot from a person's shoes.)
     Flip Flops :) 
2.   What was the saddest moment of your life? If it's too sad to talk about, then what was the happiest moment of your life?
     When we found out my grandma was sick in November and she cried and told me she was sad she would never see me get married. And then when she passed away in February. 
3.   What kind of pet do you have or would like to have? If you don't have it, why?
     Use to have a dog named Gizzmo; if I could have a pet now I would have a pug named Batman, a monkey or a bearded dragon named Loki. Land lord wont allow pets 
4.   What is your favorite flower/plant/tree? Do you have them in your home?
     My favorite flowers are Daisies and Orchids, My favorite trees are weeping willows. I have orchids :) 
5.   What would you say is the happiest sound in the world?
    Laughter :), my mom has the loudest most eccentric laugh ever and I love it 
6.   Everyone has a vice. What's yours?
    Love limitlessly 
7.   Who is your favorite character in a novel?
    Jay Gatsby 
8.   What was the last movie you watched that you absolutely loved?
   The Other Women was good 
9.   If you could go back in time to any era, what era would that be?
    Easily the 60s 
10.   How would you sum up your life, so far, in twenty words or less?
    Coming together everyday
11.   What is your advice to living a happy life?

     Love yourself, do things that make you smile; accept the good and the bad as they come, life will always change and things won't always be happy but know you're never alone

My Nominations:

Bradley Ott @ http://bradleyott.blogspot.ca/ 

Debbie Green Razey @ http://debbiegreenrazey.blogspot.com

KayCee K @ http://kayceekblog.blogspot.com

Julius Largo @ http://juliuslargo.blogspot.com

Ginni-Lee Naylor @ http://www.wattpad.com

Questions To my Nominees

1. When building lego always follow instructions or improvise? 

2. When did you first start writing and why?

3. Who is that last person who made you feel special? 

4. If you could be any animal what would you be?

5. Single best part about your day so far? 

6. What is one of the worst nightmares you have ever had? 

7. What does your morning ritual look like? 

8. If your life was a movie who would play you? 

9. What do you do to relax? 

10. What is something you would like to tell someone but are to afraid to?

11. Where do you feel most safe?   

Petrified Introvert

I'm a petrified introvert
When I was in high school I asked my mom what if I'm gay and she just said what if
That same year I spent hours with my best friend as she cried countless tears over a stupid boy that I hated with all of my being, I planed movie and ice cream sleep overs every time they would break up and we would talk all night long and I couldn't understand why we couldn't be happy together;
I lost my virginity to a guy and the experience was extremely awkward and anti climactic- he ended up cheating on me. When I finally broke up with him my friends abandoned me, I went on a spree of self hate and figured out that if you let them people will only use you;
A few years later I told my mom I should just be gay and she said with a laugh that I might as well be because I don't really want children
I spent that year single trying to figure out what I wanted, my university friends dared me and I had rules that I wasn't allowed to spend more then one night with someone; my friend and I shared a birthday party and she had more friends then I did; we both worked at the same internship, she was my rock.
A month ago I told one of my friends that I have feelings for a girl and he asked me if I would still feel that way if she wasn't gay, or if she would just be a really good friend;
I told him that when I'm with her I feel more natural then  I have ever felt, I told him that she grounds me and that I would do anything for her; I told him when I see her I can't help but smile and that she always turns my moods around; She's beautiful and complicated and I would love her even if she hated me.
I told my mom I have a friend that only likes girls and she asked if I like her like that, I didn't know what to say, she later said she would love me either way but couldn't see it.
I'm a petrified introvert

From Fall to Winter

Her fragile hands land softly in mine by accident;
Brushing by almost unnoticeable and I'm lost.
Simply and uncontrollably lost.
If the world revolved around her quiet and tender voice I would want for nothing.
I would crave never again because my ears just beg to hear her over and over.
Her smile makes my heart jump noisily and her giddy quiver of excitement is all too much to bare.
I am at a lose for words which happens often but not usually like this.
Not usually when I want so badly to speak and cant but not for lack of words.
I can see how we fall in love,
Can imagine our first kiss and how we'd talk for hours and she'd nuzzle herself close to me;
Making me feel like there's no where in the world she would rather be.
And I'd smoother her with a million kisses just because my lips wouldn't be able to resist.
She's magical.
But good things have a catch
Like a fall day terrified of the cold but optimistic about the spring
When the leaves can feel brand new again and nothing can stop the flowers from bursting into bloom,
Or the birds from singing their proud albeit annoying song
And the wind from greeting the sweet smells and spreading them along.
I just want you I can cry into an empty abyss but the words never follow the ache in my heart.
As though all my teeth have disappeared.
And I've lost.
I wish I could just show you me, not this crazy person dancing in my head and
All the stupid things I do when I get this way or the nervous impatience that carries it;
And I can't compete.
I won't imagine falling in love with you, because I'm already there.
Won't wonder, won't cry, won't show you won't ever tell you.
Maybe its better that way.

Monster Within

You can't see it but there is something lurking behind you,
it is veiled by the shadows... your shadows,
those parts of yourself that you fear and therefore hide away,
deep within the darkest parts of yourself.
There is a well of tears and beyond that nothing more than a nightmare masked as a distant memory.
It will find you and when it wants you to see it,
not even the light will be able to ward off the invading nothingness;
the monster will then swallow you in its arms and master your movements as if they were its own.
You wont be truly you any more.
It will plant itself in your waking mind,
in your dreams and in your soul...
until those haunting shadows don't seem so terrifying after all.
You will begin to make friends with the darkness and welcome the time you get alone.
The monster tries to drown you but everything that you hide beneath the shadows keeps pushing you up for air;
the imposter has become so intricately connected to you that it wills your feet to move at its command; It wills that bottle to your lips,
that needle to your arm and that stranger into your bed,
and it keeps going until it has destroyed everything and everyone you ever cared about.
It feeds on the flesh of your happiness and seeks to destroy anything remotely bright in your life.
And after a while it becomes thrilling and you believe that you don't need the monster any more in order to destroy yourself.
You have become the master of your own destruction.
The monster steps back and admires its handy work;
you had let it hide away so long that it became a parasite.
It feared exposure,
it feared acceptance,
because then it never would have been able to cause you so much pain;
Now you are filled with a self loathing so deep that it must not go away because it is your only solitude,
it has become home and it knows just how to suppress your own dirty guilt and shame if only for a moment.
Until there is nothing more for it to take and so it to abandons you, in that empty place,
the shell you call home,
and the guilt you've come to realize is you in every single way.
Because you could never get out of this totally free.  

Z is for: Zeal

I wanted to thank everyone who has encouraged me throughout this challenge and wanted to show my appreciation by using words from comments to compose my last A-Z post. Its truly wonderful to have support of strangers and friends alike! All the links lead to the person who said it :).  Here I go, out with a bang!

But a day its nice to think about as the day life started, [its] that intense emotion of first attraction, [something that] surely does make one feel bold and bizarre;
[However] Bold is in the mind of the bold-holder...BEholder... be; Yet I still feel this way sometimes when she's around...[I'm] Hooked. [It is most] wonderful;
[But sometimes] dangerously dark, darned creative [and] impressive.
And... what joy past indignities bring; [As] we have all been misunderstood, [in its own beauty making us] whole and not shattered.
[Although] It is hard for me to let the emotions that I have pent up inside come out, [when they do there is a certain] emotional and powerful [release];
[Come on in, I will show you] what I believe about myself... [I hope you can] relate.
[I will hold on to you telling me to] Remember [I am a women] who has the courage to express these insecurities to strangers.
[And I feel so] simply divine. The awkwardness, the anxiety and the unawareness [are] intriguing . [Almost tantalizing but] these moments are all we have aren't they? [And] we all want to love and be loved in return;
Like the simple beauty of a heart longing and crying out to be loved.
Everything will be revealed... all in good time. [But for now we can always] find great life and laughter [when we] stop and think about simple pleasures.
[Though I will admit sometimes] I can feel the exhaustion [it brings and all the] beautifully written [things] and the] meaningful words [we take] from earlier days [that move us on to] a better road;
[I know that life is messy and throws us every which way but I wouldn't trade where I have been, I feel as though I have become so very enthusiastic and wonderfully exposed in the fragments of my life.]

Y is for: Young

I worry that one day I will look back and regret these years
I've misunderstood my own ways and everything that I desire.
Because I can look back now and wonder why it took me so long,
Why I kept hiding from myself and that's just it isn't it...
I really never hid from anyone but me.
But now I feel like an idiot, Hiding in plan sight and I can't hide any more.
I think now I'm just so afraid of what will happen if I say it out loud,
Who it will effect, who it will hurt.
I'm young but I feel like I'm so far in that I can't turn around.
But its all in my head.

X is for: X Ray

Take a look, go ahead you will see, 

I'm no big mystery, I'm just me.

I have a few bruises, a scrap maybe a scar 

And they all have brought me to where you are. 

When I was eight I lost my breathe falling from a tree

But that can't compare to what you do to me.

My heart was built for combat, my mind for mindful rage.

My eyes can see the heartache that's written on your face.  

Its not hard to see my fear, I'm just that easy to read 

Just like any one I cry smile and bleed. 

So go ahead get close, I don't mind you looking in 

You can see my happiness, my darkness and my sin. 

 

A Glance Into the Deep Dark Place (not A-Z)

I look in the mirror and I see the moonlight shining on my hair , thrown every which way and signs of sleepless nights rimming my eyes. I've been up tossing and turning for hours now and I can't explain the dread creeping in my gut. Yet there is no better time then now to devote to thoughts. The intense feelings, the longing, the need. I haven't been me for a long time and what eats at me is I think I've always known. I can see my own face filled with so much hatred towards myself and I wonder where it all came from; how it got so bad. Those could be anyone's eyes starring back at me, could be anyone's terror hidden deep within.
Pages fall from my book like hot embers of my life, forever etched where they land. I pick a scribbled page up and read silently aloud to myself. The words are my own and they hurt so deeply because I can feel their truth:

I can't describe it. There is a weight that pushes down every time I breath in. SHOULD'S, life's stupid should haves. I feel like a failure and I feel so alone... I feel as though no one can navigate the mess I have made of my own mind and I am tearing myself inside out; alone and going through the motions. Except I am not alone, but no one can freaking change how I feel about myself. I feel useless. I feel unmotivated, like I am going to fail anyways and that I can't do anything on my own. I just want to cry, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid, stop being so fucking stupid, quit feeling this way. I'm so tired... I want to sleep all the time. I'm losing it. I'm slipping again, further and further each time. I keep expecting one day to find myself so buried beneath all this shit that I can't find my way out.

And the words wash over me in such a familiar way. I know this place:

Today I feel locked in a world I don't understand
And stuck in a song I don't know the words to.
Sorry and incomplete, more then sad
And infinitely more complicated then despair.
I am floating and it makes me fidget inside,
The sensation is numbing
I. am. nothing.
But I feel a million things at once.
I can not begin to explain any of it...
Especially not for fear someone may understand it better
then I do.
And I fear a tired minds belonging in the world.
I feel heavy inside, like a weight hangs from my heart,
And dangles carelessly between my ribs...
The kind of heavy that holds me back and bolts me down.

Welcome to my mind.

W is for: Where Adventure Goes to Die

The other day a friend told me that there comes a time to settle down, when you can't keep taking chances...
I think the worst part of this is how much it really stuck with me and how the hope was sucked from me in just a few words. The day I stop taking chances sounds a lot like death. And here I am with people I respect dearly telling me to just lye down and accept my fate. Life is in constant change and I think the best part is that we always have opportunities to challenge and re evaluate ourselves with chances. We take chances on ourselves everyday, on other people, on life itself and we can do this without even realizing it or we can embrace every last moment of it. When does it become okay to stop dreaming and reaching and when do we lose hope in ever getting where we want to go. Destinations are never truly set anyways and if I want to leave why can't I? If I want to find myself what is stopping me? And where is that handbook that says I need to settle down or else?
Maybe eventually my soul will need to stop wandering and perhaps settling down will come with that realization. I just haven't quite figured out where my soul belongs just yet. All I know is there is not a single problem with wanting more for myself and for once in my life trying to be true to who I am. I remember once thinking that I could not go a day without feeling alive, but it isn't really true is it... We need to be constantly reminded and being a robot is all to common. I want to love who I love, be who I am, push my own limits and discover new horizons. I don't want to be a robot. I want to remember how the first time of a new experience feels and I never want to live as though my life belongs to anyone but me.
I can't tell you how many decisions I have made for others, how many times I have eventually gotten to a point where I leap without looking and it is certain that those times were the most exhilarating and least regretful. In short I will not stop taking chances. The heart wants what the heat wants and will go where it needs to go. And for me right now whether anyone understands it or not these chances will be taken.

V is for: Void

Crumbling cobblestone and decaying benches stacked in a scene of dismay
Grumbling on about ugly yellow street signs and a missing knob doorway.
The lights are out and time sneaks by, mind a whirlwind of doom.
Sleep escapes constant worriers and their venomous world of gloom.
And the tea kettle scretches harmoniously to its own little wicked tune
While children run rampant and silence is happiness under the pale nude moon.
Lit up by that smile that laugh and a spark
From a close comfort hug all alone in the dark.
Crooked pictures lined down a hall of deep red
Tormented ballerinas with much skin to shed.
Walking wayward down a strange pitch black path and even better then this
Taking note of the cracks and imperfections and craving lips of a kiss.
The void inside us all
the part that makes us tumble and fall.
And here I am in your chaos,
Always wanting more

U is for: Undoubtedly in Love with You

It is unbelievable how incredibly happy I am at this very moment.
How being with you feels as natural as breathing like pushing your hair back.
And that look, the way your hair fell just right, how close you and I were, your eyes wide and somewhat disoriented -so adorable- your face tilted is almost unnoticeable and you look so innocent and beautiful. Such wonderfully untainted beauty. I dont want to let go. I dont want the moment to end.
What I want is to pull you back in and kiss you.
Look you in the eyes, touch your cheek lightly and kiss you; gently.
Groggy tired but yet ever so lovely.
And goodbye brings a new day with new problems or new thoughts but in that moment I was unequivocally over the moon honest to goodness happy and true to myself.
Its hard to say when I will see you again or if you may pull away for a little while.
I wouldn't blame you I'm unstable, but I want you to know you are exactly everything I think I've been missing and I want nothing more then to make you happy.

T is for: Tacit

A silent partner. A wavering concern understood but unexpressed.
A look of deep caring recieved at its purest yet words understandably repressed.
There's an unspoken bond
A tight mental cord
Tied and ready for use.
Implicit knowledge implied at its best,
And an ability to pick up on cues.

S is for: Shouldn't

I shouldn't write about you again, or constantly think of your uneasy smile.
I probably shouldn't text you so often or wish for you closer to me all the while.
I shouldn't tell you you're gorgeous but you are
I shouldn't tell you that for you I'd go long and far
Shouldn't compliment your hair or your laugh or your heart.
 I shouldn't tell you seeing you makes my whole body start.
Should probably not dream of your lips touching mine
Or your clever mind wandering most of the time.
Shouldn't wait for your reply with hopes high as can be
wishing someone like you could like someone like me.
I won't not write about you again because its just how I feel ,
And I can't stop my mind or stop wishing that smile I could steal
I want to tell you your beautiful because I know that its true.
And I want you to know I won't ever forget you.

R is for: Rest

My eyes shutter before closing, lingering where watchfullness is needed
Plundering the day of its many sucesses and savoring the countless flaws
Body tight with raging life yet so exhausted it dare not move,
For fear of being strained much more.
Oh ever faithful mind I thank you for your treck through tired hours.
The moments ripening between my fingertips, struggling to meet its end.
Echoing in my ears are waves of uncertain tomorrows
But my eyelids are much to heavy to worry or dwell.
With the future just around the corner and the past hidding behind the bend
There is much to ponder silently in darkness.
But I let led fill my reluctant body toes to grateful eyes stinging closed.
I think I will rest peacefully tonight.