Monster Within

You can't see it but there is something lurking behind you,
it is veiled by the shadows... your shadows,
those parts of yourself that you fear and therefore hide away,
deep within the darkest parts of yourself.
There is a well of tears and beyond that nothing more than a nightmare masked as a distant memory.
It will find you and when it wants you to see it,
not even the light will be able to ward off the invading nothingness;
the monster will then swallow you in its arms and master your movements as if they were its own.
You wont be truly you any more.
It will plant itself in your waking mind,
in your dreams and in your soul...
until those haunting shadows don't seem so terrifying after all.
You will begin to make friends with the darkness and welcome the time you get alone.
The monster tries to drown you but everything that you hide beneath the shadows keeps pushing you up for air;
the imposter has become so intricately connected to you that it wills your feet to move at its command; It wills that bottle to your lips,
that needle to your arm and that stranger into your bed,
and it keeps going until it has destroyed everything and everyone you ever cared about.
It feeds on the flesh of your happiness and seeks to destroy anything remotely bright in your life.
And after a while it becomes thrilling and you believe that you don't need the monster any more in order to destroy yourself.
You have become the master of your own destruction.
The monster steps back and admires its handy work;
you had let it hide away so long that it became a parasite.
It feared exposure,
it feared acceptance,
because then it never would have been able to cause you so much pain;
Now you are filled with a self loathing so deep that it must not go away because it is your only solitude,
it has become home and it knows just how to suppress your own dirty guilt and shame if only for a moment.
Until there is nothing more for it to take and so it to abandons you, in that empty place,
the shell you call home,
and the guilt you've come to realize is you in every single way.
Because you could never get out of this totally free.  

Z is for: Zeal

I wanted to thank everyone who has encouraged me throughout this challenge and wanted to show my appreciation by using words from comments to compose my last A-Z post. Its truly wonderful to have support of strangers and friends alike! All the links lead to the person who said it :).  Here I go, out with a bang!

But a day its nice to think about as the day life started, [its] that intense emotion of first attraction, [something that] surely does make one feel bold and bizarre;
[However] Bold is in the mind of the bold-holder...BEholder... be; Yet I still feel this way sometimes when she's around...[I'm] Hooked. [It is most] wonderful;
[But sometimes] dangerously dark, darned creative [and] impressive.
And... what joy past indignities bring; [As] we have all been misunderstood, [in its own beauty making us] whole and not shattered.
[Although] It is hard for me to let the emotions that I have pent up inside come out, [when they do there is a certain] emotional and powerful [release];
[Come on in, I will show you] what I believe about myself... [I hope you can] relate.
[I will hold on to you telling me to] Remember [I am a women] who has the courage to express these insecurities to strangers.
[And I feel so] simply divine. The awkwardness, the anxiety and the unawareness [are] intriguing . [Almost tantalizing but] these moments are all we have aren't they? [And] we all want to love and be loved in return;
Like the simple beauty of a heart longing and crying out to be loved.
Everything will be revealed... all in good time. [But for now we can always] find great life and laughter [when we] stop and think about simple pleasures.
[Though I will admit sometimes] I can feel the exhaustion [it brings and all the] beautifully written [things] and the] meaningful words [we take] from earlier days [that move us on to] a better road;
[I know that life is messy and throws us every which way but I wouldn't trade where I have been, I feel as though I have become so very enthusiastic and wonderfully exposed in the fragments of my life.]

Y is for: Young

I worry that one day I will look back and regret these years
I've misunderstood my own ways and everything that I desire.
Because I can look back now and wonder why it took me so long,
Why I kept hiding from myself and that's just it isn't it...
I really never hid from anyone but me.
But now I feel like an idiot, Hiding in plan sight and I can't hide any more.
I think now I'm just so afraid of what will happen if I say it out loud,
Who it will effect, who it will hurt.
I'm young but I feel like I'm so far in that I can't turn around.
But its all in my head.

X is for: X Ray

Take a look, go ahead you will see, 

I'm no big mystery, I'm just me.

I have a few bruises, a scrap maybe a scar 

And they all have brought me to where you are. 

When I was eight I lost my breathe falling from a tree

But that can't compare to what you do to me.

My heart was built for combat, my mind for mindful rage.

My eyes can see the heartache that's written on your face.  

Its not hard to see my fear, I'm just that easy to read 

Just like any one I cry smile and bleed. 

So go ahead get close, I don't mind you looking in 

You can see my happiness, my darkness and my sin. 

 

A Glance Into the Deep Dark Place (not A-Z)

I look in the mirror and I see the moonlight shining on my hair , thrown every which way and signs of sleepless nights rimming my eyes. I've been up tossing and turning for hours now and I can't explain the dread creeping in my gut. Yet there is no better time then now to devote to thoughts. The intense feelings, the longing, the need. I haven't been me for a long time and what eats at me is I think I've always known. I can see my own face filled with so much hatred towards myself and I wonder where it all came from; how it got so bad. Those could be anyone's eyes starring back at me, could be anyone's terror hidden deep within.
Pages fall from my book like hot embers of my life, forever etched where they land. I pick a scribbled page up and read silently aloud to myself. The words are my own and they hurt so deeply because I can feel their truth:

I can't describe it. There is a weight that pushes down every time I breath in. SHOULD'S, life's stupid should haves. I feel like a failure and I feel so alone... I feel as though no one can navigate the mess I have made of my own mind and I am tearing myself inside out; alone and going through the motions. Except I am not alone, but no one can freaking change how I feel about myself. I feel useless. I feel unmotivated, like I am going to fail anyways and that I can't do anything on my own. I just want to cry, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid, stop being so fucking stupid, quit feeling this way. I'm so tired... I want to sleep all the time. I'm losing it. I'm slipping again, further and further each time. I keep expecting one day to find myself so buried beneath all this shit that I can't find my way out.

And the words wash over me in such a familiar way. I know this place:

Today I feel locked in a world I don't understand
And stuck in a song I don't know the words to.
Sorry and incomplete, more then sad
And infinitely more complicated then despair.
I am floating and it makes me fidget inside,
The sensation is numbing
I. am. nothing.
But I feel a million things at once.
I can not begin to explain any of it...
Especially not for fear someone may understand it better
then I do.
And I fear a tired minds belonging in the world.
I feel heavy inside, like a weight hangs from my heart,
And dangles carelessly between my ribs...
The kind of heavy that holds me back and bolts me down.

Welcome to my mind.

W is for: Where Adventure Goes to Die

The other day a friend told me that there comes a time to settle down, when you can't keep taking chances...
I think the worst part of this is how much it really stuck with me and how the hope was sucked from me in just a few words. The day I stop taking chances sounds a lot like death. And here I am with people I respect dearly telling me to just lye down and accept my fate. Life is in constant change and I think the best part is that we always have opportunities to challenge and re evaluate ourselves with chances. We take chances on ourselves everyday, on other people, on life itself and we can do this without even realizing it or we can embrace every last moment of it. When does it become okay to stop dreaming and reaching and when do we lose hope in ever getting where we want to go. Destinations are never truly set anyways and if I want to leave why can't I? If I want to find myself what is stopping me? And where is that handbook that says I need to settle down or else?
Maybe eventually my soul will need to stop wandering and perhaps settling down will come with that realization. I just haven't quite figured out where my soul belongs just yet. All I know is there is not a single problem with wanting more for myself and for once in my life trying to be true to who I am. I remember once thinking that I could not go a day without feeling alive, but it isn't really true is it... We need to be constantly reminded and being a robot is all to common. I want to love who I love, be who I am, push my own limits and discover new horizons. I don't want to be a robot. I want to remember how the first time of a new experience feels and I never want to live as though my life belongs to anyone but me.
I can't tell you how many decisions I have made for others, how many times I have eventually gotten to a point where I leap without looking and it is certain that those times were the most exhilarating and least regretful. In short I will not stop taking chances. The heart wants what the heat wants and will go where it needs to go. And for me right now whether anyone understands it or not these chances will be taken.

V is for: Void

Crumbling cobblestone and decaying benches stacked in a scene of dismay
Grumbling on about ugly yellow street signs and a missing knob doorway.
The lights are out and time sneaks by, mind a whirlwind of doom.
Sleep escapes constant worriers and their venomous world of gloom.
And the tea kettle scretches harmoniously to its own little wicked tune
While children run rampant and silence is happiness under the pale nude moon.
Lit up by that smile that laugh and a spark
From a close comfort hug all alone in the dark.
Crooked pictures lined down a hall of deep red
Tormented ballerinas with much skin to shed.
Walking wayward down a strange pitch black path and even better then this
Taking note of the cracks and imperfections and craving lips of a kiss.
The void inside us all
the part that makes us tumble and fall.
And here I am in your chaos,
Always wanting more

U is for: Undoubtedly in Love with You

It is unbelievable how incredibly happy I am at this very moment.
How being with you feels as natural as breathing like pushing your hair back.
And that look, the way your hair fell just right, how close you and I were, your eyes wide and somewhat disoriented -so adorable- your face tilted is almost unnoticeable and you look so innocent and beautiful. Such wonderfully untainted beauty. I dont want to let go. I dont want the moment to end.
What I want is to pull you back in and kiss you.
Look you in the eyes, touch your cheek lightly and kiss you; gently.
Groggy tired but yet ever so lovely.
And goodbye brings a new day with new problems or new thoughts but in that moment I was unequivocally over the moon honest to goodness happy and true to myself.
Its hard to say when I will see you again or if you may pull away for a little while.
I wouldn't blame you I'm unstable, but I want you to know you are exactly everything I think I've been missing and I want nothing more then to make you happy.

T is for: Tacit

A silent partner. A wavering concern understood but unexpressed.
A look of deep caring recieved at its purest yet words understandably repressed.
There's an unspoken bond
A tight mental cord
Tied and ready for use.
Implicit knowledge implied at its best,
And an ability to pick up on cues.

S is for: Shouldn't

I shouldn't write about you again, or constantly think of your uneasy smile.
I probably shouldn't text you so often or wish for you closer to me all the while.
I shouldn't tell you you're gorgeous but you are
I shouldn't tell you that for you I'd go long and far
Shouldn't compliment your hair or your laugh or your heart.
 I shouldn't tell you seeing you makes my whole body start.
Should probably not dream of your lips touching mine
Or your clever mind wandering most of the time.
Shouldn't wait for your reply with hopes high as can be
wishing someone like you could like someone like me.
I won't not write about you again because its just how I feel ,
And I can't stop my mind or stop wishing that smile I could steal
I want to tell you your beautiful because I know that its true.
And I want you to know I won't ever forget you.

R is for: Rest

My eyes shutter before closing, lingering where watchfullness is needed
Plundering the day of its many sucesses and savoring the countless flaws
Body tight with raging life yet so exhausted it dare not move,
For fear of being strained much more.
Oh ever faithful mind I thank you for your treck through tired hours.
The moments ripening between my fingertips, struggling to meet its end.
Echoing in my ears are waves of uncertain tomorrows
But my eyelids are much to heavy to worry or dwell.
With the future just around the corner and the past hidding behind the bend
There is much to ponder silently in darkness.
But I let led fill my reluctant body toes to grateful eyes stinging closed.
I think I will rest peacefully tonight.

Q is for: Questions

Questioning life.
Am I on the right track?
How come everything starts to tumble in on me at the same time?
Why do I like her?
Am I ever going to stop being this way?
When's the last time I smiled for real?
Why do I just keep hurting people?
How do I live my life for me?
How come that's selfish?
Why now?
Do I really want this?
I think I might love her?
That's stupid isn't it?
Why can't I think for myself?
I thought I didn't believe in love?
Why cant I just be normal?
Does she care about me at all?
Am I hurting her?
Why do I do this?
Am I just crazy?
What is the point?
Am I making my life count?
Does it matter?
What do you want to know?

P is for: [Simple] Pleasures

The other day I was walking and the wind caught the rim of my water bottle and the sound carried over the sound of the music in my ears and I was caught up in the moment.
Its these split seconds of awe that get me.
The sound of rain on the roof of my car that carries me away, I could be anywhere, I could be anyone, the pitter patter happens just the same like the sun rises just the same and sets just the same.
A stranger going out of their way to make someone's day, or the artist on the street that plays with all her heart just hoping to be heard or the person with the courage to ask your name and what walk of life youre from.
That child you pass who gives you the biggest smile and doesn't even know you all he knows is that your smiling back and he is not alone.
The way lying in bed feels after a nice warm shower, how the blankets smooth against the skin are noticed rather then rationalized. The way a dream can make me smile the moment im awake before I even open my eyes.
A light turning green just before I get to it, that one sidewalk block that has been nearly destroyed. A clear street. Laying on the pavement eyes wide.
Feeling liberated enough to dance to my own beat in my room, in my car, on the street. Singing without holding back. The last bite of a chocolate bar. The end of a good movie. The start of a new friendship.
The crisp sound of fall leaves, a street with an overhang of trees. The moment my face hits water when I dive in. Floating on a lake. Campfires and old stories miles away.
Listening to someone pour thier heart out with nothing much to say, no advice to give.
And those moments of uncertainty but nothing is in the way of this shared memory.
You now share a piece of me and that's my simplest pleasure.

O is for: Only Time

Clouded temperament and collapsing judgment always closing and ever looming

With expectations and fondness consistently a flower blooming.

She floats with ease through my troubled mind and bubbles fear for who am I

The rain falls close in my heart and lifts my spirits to the sky.

Over emotional, out of touch, in a good place and in a rush.

Soft breath on the back of my neck

And my own breathing I must check

Eventually time will tell

Where we belong

If we belong

Together

in the

End

N is for: Naked

The other night a whole other world opened up to me and I was high on the simple act of being around you, I had felt it before but this was stronger.
I wanted to ride that wave and I could feel how much I want to be with you and not just physically; and how maybe you felt it too.
I tried to change my life, up and leave and simple words got confused and lost as I felt you pull away and take my hope with you.
I can still feel the soft and fast rhythm of your heart, hear it taunting my ears and making the moment feel alive. And there was no where else I would rather be.
But your words become fewer and your mind seems it is elsewhere and my heart begins to sink because I can only assume where it may be.
And I can feel those walls begin to close the gap they had just opened and my own walls begin to enclose me once more.
Maybe I'm just crazy, maybe it was just not our day and my mind ran away with it all.
When you hugged me I could feel my world of worry melt away and it felt like where I was supposed to be. And I wanted so badly for that to last,
I wanted so badly for you to feel the same and I forgot to remember that you really just might not;
And it scares me because I've never felt so damn open and naked and I can't help but notice I want this more then anything I have ever wanted before.
I want this more then I want my career and more then I want to feel needed, more then the fear it would take to overcome, more then I want to hide.

M is for: Misunderstood

I just can't seem to get it right. Just what I want to say.
and I mess it up so frequently, I feel you melt away.
No one has a perfect match, no one knows them in and out
I know that you are different and this I know without a doubt:
When I see you I know happiness I've never known before,
and there's so much to your mind I never quite know what's in store,
You're skeptical but humble and you care like countless few,
There's not much that I wouldn't do if I knew it was for you.
My words get me in trouble, I need to learn to shut my mouth
Before I drag my hurt and fear to bring this from north to south.
Forgive my insecurities, my flaws and all my doubt
I hope that you will give me a chance and we can figure this all out.

L is for: Longing

I'd like to be your smile, be the longing in your heart
Be the one you think of daily and who gives your morning start.
The goodnight you always wait for before you close your eyes to sleep
The weary mind that carries thoughts of you I always wish to keep.
I know you're just fine without  me making meaning on your own
And I'm sorry that your sunshine has been knocked down from its throne.
Id like to be that fire burning deep within your soul 
And the part that makes you wonder if you've ever felt this whole.
But I'm not quite sure its what you want, or all that you deserve
You pull me close then push away or at least as I observe.
I just wish that I could hold you through each and everyday.
and tell you with much certainty that everything's okay.

K is for: Kicked

I can't read her but she's got me flung open like a book;
I just can't help but feel I am ruining it with every word and every look.
I've got an inkling that the real me was simply never meant to be seen
I am far more exposed then I think I've ever been.
She knows my hiding place and every area in between,
And it all plays out like an inconsistent dream.
I begin to worry, my mind is my demise,
I start to overthink, overwhelm her with my cries.
This is where she will slip away I'm sure she's done by now,
And I will try to let it go but at this point I don't know how,
I was scared I'd be a nuisance and by trying not to be
I think I crossed the line and its far to hard to see.
I won't close off, I won't retreat; I'll wait patiently
While the dust settles and she decides what to think of me.

J is for: Jagged Jabbering

Tell me tall tales of lost times and remind me what it is I am again,
cloaked in quiet aggravation and loud passion, trailing off the edge.
So much lost time, wasted.
Tiger lilies and pillow fairies
Liking, being, wanting.
Always listening.
Im a girl at war with herself.
Flailing,  tired and trying to follow.
Always dreaming but Always listening.
Unaware of what was underneath but to afraid to pull away the vale.
Cautious.

I is for: Indulgence

I like the way you smell, the way the rain smells and how the night air smells;
And the way warm cookies melt in my mouth.
I like tea on a cold night when the lights are low with a book in my hand.
I could walk for hours in any direction and never worry about getting back to where I came from.
And wonder why flowers wilt or why life shutters on the way it does.
I like hearing you speak, the way the gentle moonlight hits your hair.
How you indulge my child like tendencies and never judge my foolish ramblings.
I could spend a day with you and it would still be gone to quickly
And I speculate whether I'm alone or at best if you are simply humoring me.
I feel that painful knott when its time to say goodbye,
The one that quickens my ackward pace and twists the moment you're out of sight.
That moment of sheer adversity and the feeling that accompanies a vivid dream that ended to soon or you'd suddenly realized wasn't real.
And guilt rushes in so ominously, like a wave hitting shore,
Because though I never lied, I know to me it means so much more then I let on.
Maybe im not quite the good person I thought I was,
But I don't want you to go away.

H is for: Hello

Hello.
I think I've met you before.
You're determined and only slightly crazy.
You might just be toxic.
its not new to me how you destroy,
hell you have done it a million times.
But I admire your stubborn desire,
Your blatent mind
The way an idea knaws
The way you can't stop thinking about something
the minute you know what needs to be done.
Oh Hello there crazy sides of me.

G is for: Guidelines to Being Christine

Over the years we all develop ideas about ourselves that we don't always realize or acknowledge. I decided to explore some of my insecurities and things I have come to internalize in the form of a guideline. Please remember that these are all things that have grown and are not necessarily true. They are thoughts you may not agree with so keep in mind they are about me.

1. Remember that you belong to everyone but yourself.

• You do not maintain ownership of your body: others have a right to make statements about its shape, size and general appeal; others will lay claim to certain areas of it, and when they do you should comply because its a compliment; others will try to dictate what should be done with it, and petrified silence will not always mean no to them. Love is physical.

2. Your mind should be locked away.

• Your ideas are terrible and no one needs to hear them
• It is selfish to talk about yourself
• Everyone is sick of hearing you speak
• Your mind is to flawed to maintain the superficial image others expect
• Your mind is crazy and will scare people you care about away

3. Never show that you are angry or upset.

• You are far to oversensitive so when you do get angry or upset its for no good reason.
• Every point you make can and will be turned around as a personal attack on you.
• Your pain is worth saving others the pain
• Don't forget that you are crazy maybe even bipolar
• No one wants to hear about your petty concerns
• Even if people ask if you're okay they don't really want to know

4. You must always admit to fault.

• If you hurt someone know that it was because you didn't try hard enough
• If someone gets angry after you bring up a valid point, immediately retract your statement and beg them to forgive you.
• Crying is for attention and is pathetic, if you have to cry- cry alone
• You have an hour glass heart, if love runs out it is because you are insane and thought yourself to this point. Don't forget your mind is dangerous (please refer to guideline #2)

5. No is a bad word.

• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Others needs have precedence over yours
• No is not an option 

 6. Finally, Trust no one.

• Everything and everyone will fade, forget or leave. Don't get to close its only a matter of time before they do.
• Nothing is permanent
• Even those who claim to care about you will at some point betray you 

F is for: Frigid Sensitivity

I lay awake thinking of you.
But I really shouldn't say that.
I think about your complicated mind,
and I let myself get lost in it.
I think about where it wanders to when there is contemplative silence,
And that distant look in your eyes that draws me in.
But what good is it to say so.
I have an impossible urge to talk to you,
All.The.Time.
When I wake up- I refrain.
I'm terrified I'll tell you I dreamt of you again.
And I get how annoying that is.
I have a strange desire to be close to you.
Possibly too close.
Most likely too close.
And I can imagine lying in your lap telling you about my messed up thoughts,
Trailing my fingertips along your leg absent-mindedly.
However there is no need for you to know the fantasies in my head.
I fight to stay awake, your voice in my ears, face on the back of my eyelids,
And a small feeling of connection;
I am sometimes content.
I worry that we will go on like this forever and I'll just be to afraid.
Always wondering.
Always dreaming.
Thinking endlessly of you but never moving.

D is for: Definitely D's

I don't doubt danger dodges dashing devils as they dance deceitfully through a delightful dawn.
Defiance dissolving the dust of distant dreams,
doing little but dangling distracted damsels in decadent gowns.
Destructive degenerates grasping for decapitated fantasies, digging a dagger deep into your disheveled heart.
Drag me with the strings of your discomfort, drugged by your distress.
And dare to deliver different discourse in this disaster of a world. definitely

C is for: Caged Courage

A tiny bird flaps chaotically inside her tiny cold cage,
just as my heart slams longingly against its own make shift prison bars.
Like lifeless callus guards sculpted from bone, with every breath creating false hope of escape.
The heart would run away with the mind if only it were free to roam;
but as it is, its held in place excluded and alone.
Words float away from my heart and become stuck in my throat, lingering with discomfort, nestling into a new home.
Never recognised or heard.
It feels as though there are millions of bees swarming inside my head, tangling reason in its wake.
I never said I was courageous, in fact it is true I am a coward,
Comfortable and lost in my own defeated tower.
Like Alice falling bewildered down the rabbit hole of life, curiouser and curiouser in a psychedelic flight.
Thought is only in her mind or maybe that's just what we believe, her courage isn't caged like mine so longs to be.

B is for: Bold and Bizarre

The moments rush is slowly slipping away and I want it back,
I want to feel my heart racing and my stomach turning, my breath raged against the empty silence.
I need to feel the quick release of inhibition and reason.
Every thought in my mind screaming yes. yes. yes.
Yes please, allow me to dive in to those deep blue eyes.
Look directly in and let that lifeless guard down.
Don't silence those desperate words.
Watching carefully as my features come alive around your incandescent presence and I sigh;
I thought it would slip away,
just disappear.
But the sight of you makes it stronger yet.
My heart has found its way to the bottoms of my rib cage and it is such a strange sensation;
I like it though my throat has become more restricted.
It is your face painted distractedly on the back of my mind.
It is your understanding reply, that untainted beauty and miraculous smile.
And I can't ignore the reservoir of depth beyond my comprehension.
I am taunted,
but unbothered and I need to stand up but I am forced to be seated.
I'll admit, I think of you far more often then I should.
I  am so dizzy with infatuation that I would probably only scare you away;
But it's more complicated then that.
In the most bizarre of ways,   
All I really want to say is I like you.

A is for: April Fools

April fools is a great deal of different things to everyone. To the common jokester it is an excuse to pull pranks for cheap laughs and hardly any slack. For teachers I imagine it can be a nightmare; when I was in high school a bunch students decided to park their cars so they were blocking all of the teachers cars in the teachers parking lot. I remember the principle coming over the speakers and threatening that all the cars would be towed by noon if they were not moved. To some it may just be another day and others it may be a day of fun and playfulness- which almost all of us need just a little more of in our lives whether we care to admit it or not.
To my mother however it means something completely different. Going back before my birth my mom had been diagnosed with endometriosis; now I wont go into the medical descriptions but I will say that endometriosis has a strong correlation with infertility. This was a huge burden on my mom. Coming from a family of seven children including herself she had dreams of having her own family. The circumstances at the time are irrelevant, all I will say is that my mom tried for a long time to have children of her own; she even went through fertility treatments but it seemed nothing was going to work. After a failed marriage my mom ended up dating my dad; it was by some chance or miracle and complete mistake that I was somehow conceived and nine months later on April 1, 1992 I was born. I am the first of three children in my family and I am damn proud of it. To my mom April fools marks my first glimpse of the world and her first miracle baby.
My dad has always been stern on the fact that April Fools ends at 12 noon and I can say I have only had one prank pulled on me in all my 22 birthdays. I sometimes forget how important today is for my parents and how wildly proud they are of the women I have become; though as of late my birthday feels almost entirely just like another day and holds hardly any meaning for me anymore, I am touched when I remember the path my mom had to travel to get to me. And I can not thank my mom enough for being the most wonderful influence a girl could ever ask for.
Today for me is not just a silly day full of pranks but I love that my birthday lands on such a playful day. What does April Fools day mean to you?