This is for you but maybe its kind of for me too. And I know you may not be entirely sure who you are. That's okay; however maybe one day I wont be such a coward and will be able to tell you exactly what I'd like to say. For now I just need to get it out. I saw you what feels like forever ago and I never knew what to do with that. Time seems to change things. I wish I could tell you from the start that I'd connected the thoughts I have now to the feelings I have always felt but I honestly can't; it took me a long time to get where I am and unfortunately a long time of building a whole other life for myself. You look at me and I wonder what is going through your mind. Let me go back just a little bit here and explain.
There was a moment of silence before we spoke but seemingly it wasn't to each other and I wished that it were because all I wanted was to see your pretty smile directed at me. And I don't understand why; nothing seems to make sense anymore. I like being close to you so I was sitting just a little to closely; but you didn't seem to notice or maybe you just didn't mind. I slam back another drink and you laugh at someone's joke so I laugh too and I elbow you playfully just to make a tiny bit of contact. Its just another night after a long day and the whole office is out for the most part. As the night wears on I start to question why I seem to follow you around like a lost puppy dog. I'm trying not to bother you.
I went to summer camp one year and there was someone that I was so intrigued by; that made me laugh and I thought we got along great. She joked with me and made me feel as though we were close. It turns out however that she was annoyed by the way I followed her and always seemed to want to be around her. One day she was hanging out in a room with a bunch of other people and one of my friends came out to tell me that she didn't want me in there because I was freaking her out and she thought I was in love with her. For the whole rest of the week I felt sick and spent a lot of time lying on my bunk with my back to everyone. She didn't understand what was wrong and kept trying to joke with me but it was to late. I had thought we were a good team but this hurt more then anything I had ever felt before.
Ever since then I'm always nervous about scaring people off or smothering them. And I certainly never wanted to smother you. I really didn't know how long it would last as it was and how I could continue just pretending things were strictly business. Your quiet mysterious way was intoxicating and still gets me. I slam back two more drinks before we run into each other again across the bar. I was giddy and drunk and spouting off random shit. After everyone has nearly gone I offer to walk you home. The night air was cool and refreshing and I couldn't help but feel the desire to hold your hand so I tried desperately to push the thought from my mind. But when we finally faced each other to say goodbye you leaned in for a hug and I caught your lips with mine. And for a moment it was euphoric, beautiful and incredible; everything I had always dreamed. The moment passed and I felt incredibly guilty; how could I do this to you.
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