S

If she could see her smile,
Really truly witness its every curve,
She would know how magical it is when it appears,
And how tragic it is too see it fade.
She would feel the warmth it brings
Especially if it were directed at her.

She's rational but sometimes silly,
And I -for some unknown reason-
Am lucky enough too witness all of her
wonderful,
scary,
beautiful contradictions.
Loving every indescribable bit of her.
Crazy,  grouchy, playful, quiet, giddy, serious, sad.
Everything.

She makes me want too be better, too feel better and too do better.
The thought of being near her makes my heart race
And I still can't help the butterflies that creep up.

She is the shoulder I can hide my head in when real life gets too sour,
And her head is the one I want rested on my shoulder.
Her eyes are the lullaby that calms my storms,
And when she looks at me I feel wanted and confident.
There isn't a thing I would change.
I love her.

Sinking In

Its just so hard to make people understand
How this fills my body with sand and makes it hard to move,
How time feels so raw and real, ticking by as if I was paralysed by its grip.
And everything feels as if it is to late.
How lonely I sometimes become,
But how horrible it feels to subject the ones I love to my terror inside.
My stare becomes distant, I lose my will to speak and I try to hide away.
Why do I have to be so difficult
I don't mean to be so frustrating.
I feel weak.
I feel tired.
I'm cold and my minds a mess.
But I don't want to be alone.

Lines- Music

I would describe it as almost a trance,
hypnotized by the melody, blood flowing through the beat.
My body could be compromised,
Everything bubbling up from my stomach,
Being released through slight vibrations of my vocal cords.

Lines- Things to Remember

What happened

I stood at the door peering through the fogged and mangled glass waiting to see her appear behind it.

When I finally see her walking towards me behind the heavy metal and glass I awkwardly wave though the door is still between us, because I feel like I have been caught starring. And the butterflies start. Actually they started about halfway down the road so I suppose they simply intensify. She hugs me as though I will float away without her holding me, and I am grateful because I feel that very well may happen. My back is close to the wall and she is close to me, looking at me and I have the urge to pull her closer and lean back. She grabs my hand and leads me downstairs, shyly smiling, to show me her newly painted room.   

Lines- Finding Me

I'm frustrated; I want to say something that I can't take back but it would be totally unfair to everyone. It's been on my mind and in my dreams and banging on the inside of my chest. I don't think I can change where I am at or where I am heading and I feel guilty for wanting to get it out of myself so bad. Every inch of me is shaking and is torn between lives.

Lines- Story

This is for you but maybe its kind of for me too. And I know you may not be entirely sure who you are. That's okay; however maybe one day I wont be such a coward and will be able to tell you exactly what I'd like to say. For now I just need to get it out. I saw you what feels like forever ago and I never knew what to do with that. Time seems to change things. I wish I could tell you from the start that I'd connected the thoughts I have now to the feelings I have always felt but I honestly can't; it took me a long time to get where I am and unfortunately a long time of building a whole other life for myself. You look at me and I wonder what is going through your mind. Let me go back just a little bit here and explain.
There was a moment of silence before we spoke but seemingly it wasn't to each other and I wished that it were because all I wanted was to see your pretty smile directed at me. And I don't understand why; nothing seems to make sense anymore. I like being close to you so I was sitting just a little to closely; but you didn't seem to notice or maybe you just didn't mind. I slam back another drink and you laugh at someone's joke so I laugh too and I elbow you playfully just to make a tiny bit of contact. Its just another night after a long day and the whole office is out for the most part. As the night wears on I start to question why I seem to follow you around like a lost puppy dog. I'm trying not to bother you.
I went to summer camp one year and there was someone that I was so intrigued by; that made me laugh and I thought we got along great. She joked with me and made me feel as though we were close. It turns out however that she was annoyed by the way I followed her and always seemed to want to be around her. One day she was hanging out in a room with a bunch of other people and one of my friends came out to tell me that she didn't want me in there because I was freaking her out and she thought I was in love with her. For the whole rest of the week I felt sick and spent a lot of time lying on my bunk with my back to everyone. She didn't understand what was wrong and kept trying to joke with me but it was to late. I had thought we were a good team but this hurt more then anything I had ever felt before.
Ever since then I'm always nervous about scaring people off or smothering them. And I certainly never wanted to smother you. I really didn't know how long it would last as it was and how I could continue just pretending things were strictly business. Your quiet mysterious way was intoxicating and still gets me. I slam back two more drinks before we run into each other again across the bar. I was giddy and drunk and spouting off random shit. After everyone has nearly gone I offer to walk you home. The night air was cool and refreshing and I couldn't help but feel the desire to hold your hand so I tried desperately to push the thought from my mind.  But when we finally faced each other to say goodbye you leaned in for a hug and I caught your lips with mine. And for a moment it was euphoric, beautiful and incredible; everything I had always dreamed. The moment passed and I felt incredibly guilty; how could I do this to you.

Lines- Thought on Thoughts

Thoughts like most things come and go so frequently that one hardly notices they were even there. Some thoughts however linger like icicles from a daunting rooftop; until one day the icicle falls and leave an empty confused mess of water and uneven shards. But there's often nothing to say about everything and the thought goes unacknowledged because by no means do you ever hope to explain its existence. Truth be told I feel like this a lot. My mind is a force field impenetrable by even my own mouth; when I do somehow find the words to speak I feel terribly misunderstood. But its a rarity that words leave their comfortable nest in my head anyways and I am most of the time very content this way.
I don't remember a whole lot from when I was younger and sometimes I try really hard; its a shame because I cherish memories and fear losing them when I die. Funny how these intangible pieces of life are what I want the most. Everything fades. When I was little I had a watch; it had Winnie the Pooh on its face and a brown faux leather strap. I wanted so badly to preserve the watch in my mind that I took a box and while my dad was building walls in a new playhouse- in a yard I once knew but will never see again- I put the box inside the wall. Forever lost to me.
I have a gift. Do you want to feel special? Unique? Of course everyone does. I know just how to play on your ego. Will you let me try? It goes beyond your hair or eyes sometimes even your smile. Just promise you'll see me too.

Lines- Struggle

Who wants to be with someone who's sad most of the time, Tessa thought as she lay in bed. It was about mid afternoon and she had somehow found her way back there. Nothing in particular had actually happened that day, at least nothing anyone would feel was entirely significant. Tessa's eyes watered and she struggled to breath as her chest began to contract. "I'm just pathetic". The covers were pulled to her chin and distress painted her face. No one could quite understand the ghost that dwelled within her; the lonely eyes, the faint frown and her quiet void voice. Tessa had more then she could hope for but the sinking feeling always returned; sometimes worse then before where her insides felt that they were in excruciating pain. She turned on some music and switched her phone to silent. There was nothing she hated more then to make a fool of herself when she was in this state. And it was quite justifiable as her filter never withheld during these times of great sadness. She had managed to get herself in a great deal of trouble with her phone and she didn't feel like texting every person she knew searching for validation.
There was only one person she wanted to talk to and it appeared that this was the worst idea of all; so she refrained hesitantly. Tessa didn't however refrain from looking back at messages and wondering were she had gone wrong, if she had in fact done something wrong or if she was reading to much into it. "It shouldn't matter" she kept repeating in her head "I shouldn't care". And maybe she shouldn't but for some reason or another she did and it bugged her immensely that through all the messages the conversation had ended just as abruptly as it had began. Sunlight poured through the curtains sides begging to be acknowledged. It was not the kind of day one could ignore without reason.

Lines- The Coffee Shop

The small girl with plain features walked hesitantly into the quaint coffee shop that stood just slightly off the corner of main street. Admittedly she hadn't been there many times but she enjoyed it for the strange crowd and cozy feel. On that particular day, however, going in was not meant for people watching or warm feelings. She held her favorite book in one hand in case she would have to wait a while and to not draw so much attention to herself. Celia knew that what she was doing was slightly weird and possibly a little creepy but dreams haunted her with the idea and she just had to know. She ordered a London fog and a light pastry to keep her stomach at ease. There was this guy. He looked just slightly like Charlie Dalton from dead poet society and had a quiet misery about himself that Celia could not simply ignore. She knew he often frequented the coffee shop after long work days. She was hoping to somehow run into him by accident only she wasn't entirely sure if today would be one of his days. She got settled in in a dark corner section of the café; uncurling the well read page she often paused at and skimming down to her most favourite passage.

Lines- The Girl

Her fragile hands land sofetly in mine by accident;  almost brushing unnoticeably by and im lost. Simply and uncontrollably lost. If the world revolved around her quiet and tender voice I would want for nothing. I would crave never again because my ears just beg to hear her over and over. Her smile makes my heart jump noisily and her giddy quiver of excitement is all too much to bare. I am at a lose for words which happens often but not usually like this. Not usually when I want so badly to speak and cant but not for lack of words.
I lower my eyes so as not to stare to long. But I want to see that face, those lips, that strange but intriguing earing. I am insane, I imagine our relationship from beginning to end already. I can see how we fall in love, can imagine our first kiss and how we'd talk for hours and she'd nuzzle herself close to me; making me feel like there's no where in the world she would rather be. And I'd smoother her with a million kisses just because my lips wouldn't be able to resist. She's magical and I don't even know her. I have a name and one small interaction to hang onto for as long as my heart will carry it. It may sound silly but I find myself wondering if it is love at first site people always talk about. She's quirky and so entirely soft spoken. All I have is a name. Honestly when I heard her speak and I looked at are, truly finally looked at her, well I was struck. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't know how to feel.

Lines- Unfinished Song

It's light out and I'm alone now,
Can't find my way home bound;
But its not so bad.
See your face on the ride there,
Holding on to that warm stare

Lines- Terrible Decisions

She sauntered to her car; having walked a whole twenty minutes already in heals and in frost bitten weather. Her hair stuck to her face and she could barely breath any longer. At the beginning of the night she certainly had not planned to drink that much and she most definitely did not plan on sleeping with the sleazy guy from the office who once and a while sent her dirty texts. The night had made her bitter and tired and quite frankly sick of her own ability to make terrible decisions. She questioned for a moment whether she should drive or not; it had been nearly two hours since her last drink and she felt fine besides feeling embarrassed and aggravated.

Lines- Won't Let Go

"Don't worry" I said; gripping tightly onto what little composure I had left. "I won't let go"
And thats just it. I won't. I refuse to.
As I ramble on I know she won't hear me or at least she won't believe me. But I have to try.

Lines- Time

Once I wished upon a falling star and it led me promptly to the edge of existence. All I could see for miles was time and soon time became my friend.

Fall Blog Cleaning

Hello All!
Fall Cleaning time, I am cleaning out my drafts
WHICH MEANS,
Basically here come the fragments. Unfinished poems, lines I've pondered and bits and pieces will be flooding my blog today :)
They will be labelled "Lines" and "Draft Cleaning" if for whatever reason you would like to find all them click these labels in the sidebar !

Reach

I hear you as though I am beneath water struggling to make out the important parts,
My eyes, a shielded grey, see you only through murky darkness.
A silver screen. Terrible dreams. A burnt out porch light lonely for its purpose.
When words become murmurs,
Eyes become spotlights
And worry sets in with compromising  detail.
I wonder if I'm less appealing in the daylight,
Exposed in true colours,
Not filtered by the usual florescent lights.

Would That I Could

What if 

I had the confidence to put myself out there.

What would that look like?

I would sing as loudly as I could in my car without worrying,

I would smile without looking down when walking by,

My words wouldn't come out so jumbled 

And People would respect me.

I would hold your hand tighter,

Pull you closer when everyone else is around 

I would show you every bit of me without hesitation,

I wouldn't wince at the sound of the phone ringing

Never dreading if the person on the other end picked up  

Or worry what anyone thought of me.

I would probably care more about the way I look,

Without worrying about how others see me. 

What if 

I didn't worry about others liking me.

I wouldn't spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy,

I would be less pressured,

I'd write what I want, 

Say what I feel without the need for validation,

Or praise. 

What if 

I didn't think so much...