A Glance Into the Deep Dark Place (not A-Z)

I look in the mirror and I see the moonlight shining on my hair , thrown every which way and signs of sleepless nights rimming my eyes. I've been up tossing and turning for hours now and I can't explain the dread creeping in my gut. Yet there is no better time then now to devote to thoughts. The intense feelings, the longing, the need. I haven't been me for a long time and what eats at me is I think I've always known. I can see my own face filled with so much hatred towards myself and I wonder where it all came from; how it got so bad. Those could be anyone's eyes starring back at me, could be anyone's terror hidden deep within.
Pages fall from my book like hot embers of my life, forever etched where they land. I pick a scribbled page up and read silently aloud to myself. The words are my own and they hurt so deeply because I can feel their truth:

I can't describe it. There is a weight that pushes down every time I breath in. SHOULD'S, life's stupid should haves. I feel like a failure and I feel so alone... I feel as though no one can navigate the mess I have made of my own mind and I am tearing myself inside out; alone and going through the motions. Except I am not alone, but no one can freaking change how I feel about myself. I feel useless. I feel unmotivated, like I am going to fail anyways and that I can't do anything on my own. I just want to cry, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid, stop being so fucking stupid, quit feeling this way. I'm so tired... I want to sleep all the time. I'm losing it. I'm slipping again, further and further each time. I keep expecting one day to find myself so buried beneath all this shit that I can't find my way out.

And the words wash over me in such a familiar way. I know this place:

Today I feel locked in a world I don't understand
And stuck in a song I don't know the words to.
Sorry and incomplete, more then sad
And infinitely more complicated then despair.
I am floating and it makes me fidget inside,
The sensation is numbing
I. am. nothing.
But I feel a million things at once.
I can not begin to explain any of it...
Especially not for fear someone may understand it better
then I do.
And I fear a tired minds belonging in the world.
I feel heavy inside, like a weight hangs from my heart,
And dangles carelessly between my ribs...
The kind of heavy that holds me back and bolts me down.

Welcome to my mind.