Petrified Introvert

I'm a petrified introvert
When I was in high school I asked my mom what if I'm gay and she just said what if
That same year I spent hours with my best friend as she cried countless tears over a stupid boy that I hated with all of my being, I planed movie and ice cream sleep overs every time they would break up and we would talk all night long and I couldn't understand why we couldn't be happy together;
I lost my virginity to a guy and the experience was extremely awkward and anti climactic- he ended up cheating on me. When I finally broke up with him my friends abandoned me, I went on a spree of self hate and figured out that if you let them people will only use you;
A few years later I told my mom I should just be gay and she said with a laugh that I might as well be because I don't really want children
I spent that year single trying to figure out what I wanted, my university friends dared me and I had rules that I wasn't allowed to spend more then one night with someone; my friend and I shared a birthday party and she had more friends then I did; we both worked at the same internship, she was my rock.
A month ago I told one of my friends that I have feelings for a girl and he asked me if I would still feel that way if she wasn't gay, or if she would just be a really good friend;
I told him that when I'm with her I feel more natural then  I have ever felt, I told him that she grounds me and that I would do anything for her; I told him when I see her I can't help but smile and that she always turns my moods around; She's beautiful and complicated and I would love her even if she hated me.
I told my mom I have a friend that only likes girls and she asked if I like her like that, I didn't know what to say, she later said she would love me either way but couldn't see it.
I'm a petrified introvert