Reflections

Here pondering and just starring at myself in the mirror;
Sometimes I feel infatuated with my own image.

It always seems to be a stranger starring at me from a far off place... 

I guess I don't spend much time really actually looking at myself.

But when I bring myself into the moment and just look, it feels so surreal

The way I move, the way my hair falls, how my eyes appear so lifeless and blank.

Maybe that sounds vain. Yet I spend so much time wishing I looked like someone else. 

In my reflection I don't see pretty, I don't get beautiful and mostly I don't feel sexy.

Actually I don't see much of anything good or bad.

There are just simply things. 

There are things that I will love and hate, things that will change and fade and fester as they are. 

Its hard to take pictures of magnificent moments because if you truly want to experience something wonderful you can not capture it; it needs to breathe and move through its own fated pattern of change. Why taint the moment getting caught up in reaching for what is already in your hand. 

This is why the most meaningful things are said into the empty air so someone can hear them as they tumble out in their initial imperfect and jumbled mess. They inhabit space, but only for a moment, then they become a precious memory; But that first raw moment can never be duplicated. And that is also why the most meaningful things are all too often forgotten. 

Desire

Energy flows through my every intricate crevice

Coursing through me like air caressing delicate leaves,

Eyes locked shut, tighter with every breath.
Pulse radiating from my finger tips,
A promise in their soft touch,
Of desire implanted in reality;
A flare of the present revealing itself deafeningly.
I could melt into this moment;
Simply electrified,
Feeling even the slightest touch all through my body
In a rush of emotional ecstasy.
Fists clenched shut and aching
Tremendously for what my hands can not reach.

Let Me Speak

My heart is menacing

It is a playground for misconception 

A mushy mess 

Its lighthouse emanating darkness 

No longer searching for lost souls 

And it has itself become lost at sea

A driftwood escape raft that has denied itself the truth 

My mind has formed ominous clouds 

Swirling and clashing with aggressive unforgeable sounds 

And in this the pleas from my heart are stifled

Finally it cries out so loudly 

Threatening to break free of its own cage

Pounding so blatantly not even my sure fire logic can ignore it

Jar of Stars

If the night sky were a field and its stars bright shining flowers

I would lie in them so peacefully

And stare at them for hours.

I would hand pick each and every one especially for you 

And I would decorate a plain old jar so they could have a view

I'd tie a purple ribbon all neatly around the top 

Then you could watch them flicker night by night non stop.
Their brilliant light can shine the way through your dark and tired days
While you wander through the foggy glass in their hope infested maze.
I'd place the moon behind them so they'd never feel alone
And I would hold your hand to the end and warm you to the bone.
To you I give this jar of stars to guard and love with all your heart
Because darlin it is a piece of me so very few get to see apart. 

Dazed

Feels like drugs coursing through my veins;
And all I can feel for a moment is my body pulsing to a dull numb.
Quiet noises filter through my ears as I lye on the ground,
Just starring at the sky through the open window;
My breath is unusually shallow
My eyes and head sting so incredibly painful,
But my heart and my mind are blank and tired;
Overused and pushed to breaking point.
Overwhelmed by every tense emotion begging to break free
I lay there breathless and spacey, maybe I'm angry
But for the time being I really don't care
Screw it

Writers Block Kind of Day

Wake up, blink , wonder

Wonder, dream, think 

check my phone; nothing,

check my social media; nothing,

Doesn't matter,

Try to come up with the perfect good morning,

Eventually settle on a cute dog pic;  

Roll out of bed,

Okay, slunk out of bed,

Tip toe,

Why am I tip toeing its nearly noon,

Look in the pantry, look in the fridge,

Back to the pantry,

What the hell do I want,

Grab some orange juice,

Check everything again,

Sit, breath, wonder,

First message;

Scroll through Netflix a million times,

Get ten minutes into something,

Nope, no most definitely not that; 

Shutter, contemplate lunch,

Nothing again, 

Look at a blank screen,

Words... pretty words, dark words,

SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Nothing... again. 

Decide to walk,

Two hours later actually walk,

Its nice, damn to nice for this sweater,

Coffee shop,

Why the hell did I get a hot drink,

Music, to slow, to fast,

Its all stupid. 

Music on shuffle, Nope not working for me.

Cute dog;

Home, say hi to the pretty girl downstairs ;

Sit on my doorstep,

More messages, More netflix, 

Depressing endings, 

Make super, okay make frozen pizza 

Blank screen,

No more messages, 

Bedtime, Sleep eventually, dream. 

Goodnight 

Liebster Award 2014

Thank you +Tanya Miranda (http://www.tanyamiranda.com/2014/05/liebster-award-2014.html)  for nominating me for the Liebster Award!
Below are some guidelines.

1.   Link back and thank the blogger who nominated you in your post.

2.   List 11 facts about yourself.

3.   Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.

4.   Pick 5 - 10 new bloggers (must have less than 300 followers) to nominate.

5.   Ask them 11 new questions. Do not re-nominate the blogger who nominated you.      

6.   Go to each blogger's site and inform them of their nomination.

11 Facts About Myself 

1. My favourite colour is yellow- my car is yellow.. :) 

2.  My favourite book is Great Gatsby

3. I don't like Valentines Day but love romantic gestures

4. My favourite ever TV couple is from as the world turns right before they ended it

5. I want to travel the world

6. Andrea Gibson is one of my favourite poets 

7. I am graduating from 4 years of University this year 

8. I have two siblings one of which is 11 months younger then me

9. I love autumn

10. Writing and art are my outlets 

11. I love Marilyn Monroe 

11 Questions Asked of Me:

1.   Why kind of shoes do you prefer to wear? (You can tell a lot from a person's shoes.)
     Flip Flops :) 
2.   What was the saddest moment of your life? If it's too sad to talk about, then what was the happiest moment of your life?
     When we found out my grandma was sick in November and she cried and told me she was sad she would never see me get married. And then when she passed away in February. 
3.   What kind of pet do you have or would like to have? If you don't have it, why?
     Use to have a dog named Gizzmo; if I could have a pet now I would have a pug named Batman, a monkey or a bearded dragon named Loki. Land lord wont allow pets 
4.   What is your favorite flower/plant/tree? Do you have them in your home?
     My favorite flowers are Daisies and Orchids, My favorite trees are weeping willows. I have orchids :) 
5.   What would you say is the happiest sound in the world?
    Laughter :), my mom has the loudest most eccentric laugh ever and I love it 
6.   Everyone has a vice. What's yours?
    Love limitlessly 
7.   Who is your favorite character in a novel?
    Jay Gatsby 
8.   What was the last movie you watched that you absolutely loved?
   The Other Women was good 
9.   If you could go back in time to any era, what era would that be?
    Easily the 60s 
10.   How would you sum up your life, so far, in twenty words or less?
    Coming together everyday
11.   What is your advice to living a happy life?

     Love yourself, do things that make you smile; accept the good and the bad as they come, life will always change and things won't always be happy but know you're never alone

My Nominations:

Bradley Ott @ http://bradleyott.blogspot.ca/ 

Debbie Green Razey @ http://debbiegreenrazey.blogspot.com

KayCee K @ http://kayceekblog.blogspot.com

Julius Largo @ http://juliuslargo.blogspot.com

Ginni-Lee Naylor @ http://www.wattpad.com

Questions To my Nominees

1. When building lego always follow instructions or improvise? 

2. When did you first start writing and why?

3. Who is that last person who made you feel special? 

4. If you could be any animal what would you be?

5. Single best part about your day so far? 

6. What is one of the worst nightmares you have ever had? 

7. What does your morning ritual look like? 

8. If your life was a movie who would play you? 

9. What do you do to relax? 

10. What is something you would like to tell someone but are to afraid to?

11. Where do you feel most safe?   

Petrified Introvert

I'm a petrified introvert
When I was in high school I asked my mom what if I'm gay and she just said what if
That same year I spent hours with my best friend as she cried countless tears over a stupid boy that I hated with all of my being, I planed movie and ice cream sleep overs every time they would break up and we would talk all night long and I couldn't understand why we couldn't be happy together;
I lost my virginity to a guy and the experience was extremely awkward and anti climactic- he ended up cheating on me. When I finally broke up with him my friends abandoned me, I went on a spree of self hate and figured out that if you let them people will only use you;
A few years later I told my mom I should just be gay and she said with a laugh that I might as well be because I don't really want children
I spent that year single trying to figure out what I wanted, my university friends dared me and I had rules that I wasn't allowed to spend more then one night with someone; my friend and I shared a birthday party and she had more friends then I did; we both worked at the same internship, she was my rock.
A month ago I told one of my friends that I have feelings for a girl and he asked me if I would still feel that way if she wasn't gay, or if she would just be a really good friend;
I told him that when I'm with her I feel more natural then  I have ever felt, I told him that she grounds me and that I would do anything for her; I told him when I see her I can't help but smile and that she always turns my moods around; She's beautiful and complicated and I would love her even if she hated me.
I told my mom I have a friend that only likes girls and she asked if I like her like that, I didn't know what to say, she later said she would love me either way but couldn't see it.
I'm a petrified introvert

From Fall to Winter

Her fragile hands land softly in mine by accident;
Brushing by almost unnoticeable and I'm lost.
Simply and uncontrollably lost.
If the world revolved around her quiet and tender voice I would want for nothing.
I would crave never again because my ears just beg to hear her over and over.
Her smile makes my heart jump noisily and her giddy quiver of excitement is all too much to bare.
I am at a lose for words which happens often but not usually like this.
Not usually when I want so badly to speak and cant but not for lack of words.
I can see how we fall in love,
Can imagine our first kiss and how we'd talk for hours and she'd nuzzle herself close to me;
Making me feel like there's no where in the world she would rather be.
And I'd smoother her with a million kisses just because my lips wouldn't be able to resist.
She's magical.
But good things have a catch
Like a fall day terrified of the cold but optimistic about the spring
When the leaves can feel brand new again and nothing can stop the flowers from bursting into bloom,
Or the birds from singing their proud albeit annoying song
And the wind from greeting the sweet smells and spreading them along.
I just want you I can cry into an empty abyss but the words never follow the ache in my heart.
As though all my teeth have disappeared.
And I've lost.
I wish I could just show you me, not this crazy person dancing in my head and
All the stupid things I do when I get this way or the nervous impatience that carries it;
And I can't compete.
I won't imagine falling in love with you, because I'm already there.
Won't wonder, won't cry, won't show you won't ever tell you.
Maybe its better that way.