F is for: Frigid Sensitivity

I lay awake thinking of you.
But I really shouldn't say that.
I think about your complicated mind,
and I let myself get lost in it.
I think about where it wanders to when there is contemplative silence,
And that distant look in your eyes that draws me in.
But what good is it to say so.
I have an impossible urge to talk to you,
All.The.Time.
When I wake up- I refrain.
I'm terrified I'll tell you I dreamt of you again.
And I get how annoying that is.
I have a strange desire to be close to you.
Possibly too close.
Most likely too close.
And I can imagine lying in your lap telling you about my messed up thoughts,
Trailing my fingertips along your leg absent-mindedly.
However there is no need for you to know the fantasies in my head.
I fight to stay awake, your voice in my ears, face on the back of my eyelids,
And a small feeling of connection;
I am sometimes content.
I worry that we will go on like this forever and I'll just be to afraid.
Always wondering.
Always dreaming.
Thinking endlessly of you but never moving.

D is for: Definitely D's

I don't doubt danger dodges dashing devils as they dance deceitfully through a delightful dawn.
Defiance dissolving the dust of distant dreams,
doing little but dangling distracted damsels in decadent gowns.
Destructive degenerates grasping for decapitated fantasies, digging a dagger deep into your disheveled heart.
Drag me with the strings of your discomfort, drugged by your distress.
And dare to deliver different discourse in this disaster of a world. definitely

C is for: Caged Courage

A tiny bird flaps chaotically inside her tiny cold cage,
just as my heart slams longingly against its own make shift prison bars.
Like lifeless callus guards sculpted from bone, with every breath creating false hope of escape.
The heart would run away with the mind if only it were free to roam;
but as it is, its held in place excluded and alone.
Words float away from my heart and become stuck in my throat, lingering with discomfort, nestling into a new home.
Never recognised or heard.
It feels as though there are millions of bees swarming inside my head, tangling reason in its wake.
I never said I was courageous, in fact it is true I am a coward,
Comfortable and lost in my own defeated tower.
Like Alice falling bewildered down the rabbit hole of life, curiouser and curiouser in a psychedelic flight.
Thought is only in her mind or maybe that's just what we believe, her courage isn't caged like mine so longs to be.

B is for: Bold and Bizarre

The moments rush is slowly slipping away and I want it back,
I want to feel my heart racing and my stomach turning, my breath raged against the empty silence.
I need to feel the quick release of inhibition and reason.
Every thought in my mind screaming yes. yes. yes.
Yes please, allow me to dive in to those deep blue eyes.
Look directly in and let that lifeless guard down.
Don't silence those desperate words.
Watching carefully as my features come alive around your incandescent presence and I sigh;
I thought it would slip away,
just disappear.
But the sight of you makes it stronger yet.
My heart has found its way to the bottoms of my rib cage and it is such a strange sensation;
I like it though my throat has become more restricted.
It is your face painted distractedly on the back of my mind.
It is your understanding reply, that untainted beauty and miraculous smile.
And I can't ignore the reservoir of depth beyond my comprehension.
I am taunted,
but unbothered and I need to stand up but I am forced to be seated.
I'll admit, I think of you far more often then I should.
I  am so dizzy with infatuation that I would probably only scare you away;
But it's more complicated then that.
In the most bizarre of ways,   
All I really want to say is I like you.

A is for: April Fools

April fools is a great deal of different things to everyone. To the common jokester it is an excuse to pull pranks for cheap laughs and hardly any slack. For teachers I imagine it can be a nightmare; when I was in high school a bunch students decided to park their cars so they were blocking all of the teachers cars in the teachers parking lot. I remember the principle coming over the speakers and threatening that all the cars would be towed by noon if they were not moved. To some it may just be another day and others it may be a day of fun and playfulness- which almost all of us need just a little more of in our lives whether we care to admit it or not.
To my mother however it means something completely different. Going back before my birth my mom had been diagnosed with endometriosis; now I wont go into the medical descriptions but I will say that endometriosis has a strong correlation with infertility. This was a huge burden on my mom. Coming from a family of seven children including herself she had dreams of having her own family. The circumstances at the time are irrelevant, all I will say is that my mom tried for a long time to have children of her own; she even went through fertility treatments but it seemed nothing was going to work. After a failed marriage my mom ended up dating my dad; it was by some chance or miracle and complete mistake that I was somehow conceived and nine months later on April 1, 1992 I was born. I am the first of three children in my family and I am damn proud of it. To my mom April fools marks my first glimpse of the world and her first miracle baby.
My dad has always been stern on the fact that April Fools ends at 12 noon and I can say I have only had one prank pulled on me in all my 22 birthdays. I sometimes forget how important today is for my parents and how wildly proud they are of the women I have become; though as of late my birthday feels almost entirely just like another day and holds hardly any meaning for me anymore, I am touched when I remember the path my mom had to travel to get to me. And I can not thank my mom enough for being the most wonderful influence a girl could ever ask for.
Today for me is not just a silly day full of pranks but I love that my birthday lands on such a playful day. What does April Fools day mean to you?