I Must Have Missed That

Once I forgot how to write,

Sat blurry eyed at a blank screen,

Treating the keyboard like a minefield

Each letter threatening to go off at any minute,

waiting,

terrifying the fight out of me, controlling me.

Soon I forgot I had a voice.

The world grew louder and I

Grew smaller,

Dragged away by hands,

My heart longed to yell

NO.

But "no" is a privilege of the bold.

The castle once built with words was stomped on

by kids in the sandbox.

Metaphorically of course,

Because kids could never be so cruel...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

I remember equating my self to the number,

On an English piece I loved so much,

I felt so deeply.

Yet still she would write

"confusing... write what you know"

Well here is what I know;

Sometimes I forget how to run because

That one boy in gym class said

"You run funny".

Gathering laughter like tokens from the other guys;

Who would chime in with,

"You should really shave your legs".

Like some freak show had occurred;

I never knew hair grew back there...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

Once having words ripped from me,

thrown in my face,

I'm the joke.
Sprawled across a paper
In the form of a compliment:
I never knew you but...
you seem nice.
Or big and bold nothing else holding on..
Quiet. 

The quiet girl. 

Eventually the slut.

You loved to make me...

I must have missed that.

G is for: Guidelines to Being Christine

Over the years we all develop ideas about ourselves that we don't always realize or acknowledge. I decided to explore some of my insecurities and things I have come to internalize in the form of a guideline. Please remember that these are all things that have grown and are not necessarily true. They are thoughts you may not agree with so keep in mind they are about me.

1. Remember that you belong to everyone but yourself.

• You do not maintain ownership of your body: others have a right to make statements about its shape, size and general appeal; others will lay claim to certain areas of it, and when they do you should comply because its a compliment; others will try to dictate what should be done with it, and petrified silence will not always mean no to them. Love is physical.

2. Your mind should be locked away.

• Your ideas are terrible and no one needs to hear them
• It is selfish to talk about yourself
• Everyone is sick of hearing you speak
• Your mind is to flawed to maintain the superficial image others expect
• Your mind is crazy and will scare people you care about away

3. Never show that you are angry or upset.

• You are far to oversensitive so when you do get angry or upset its for no good reason.
• Every point you make can and will be turned around as a personal attack on you.
• Your pain is worth saving others the pain
• Don't forget that you are crazy maybe even bipolar
• No one wants to hear about your petty concerns
• Even if people ask if you're okay they don't really want to know

4. You must always admit to fault.

• If you hurt someone know that it was because you didn't try hard enough
• If someone gets angry after you bring up a valid point, immediately retract your statement and beg them to forgive you.
• Crying is for attention and is pathetic, if you have to cry- cry alone
• You have an hour glass heart, if love runs out it is because you are insane and thought yourself to this point. Don't forget your mind is dangerous (please refer to guideline #2)

5. No is a bad word.

• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Others needs have precedence over yours
• No is not an option 

 6. Finally, Trust no one.

• Everything and everyone will fade, forget or leave. Don't get to close its only a matter of time before they do.
• Nothing is permanent
• Even those who claim to care about you will at some point betray you 

A is for: April Fools

April fools is a great deal of different things to everyone. To the common jokester it is an excuse to pull pranks for cheap laughs and hardly any slack. For teachers I imagine it can be a nightmare; when I was in high school a bunch students decided to park their cars so they were blocking all of the teachers cars in the teachers parking lot. I remember the principle coming over the speakers and threatening that all the cars would be towed by noon if they were not moved. To some it may just be another day and others it may be a day of fun and playfulness- which almost all of us need just a little more of in our lives whether we care to admit it or not.
To my mother however it means something completely different. Going back before my birth my mom had been diagnosed with endometriosis; now I wont go into the medical descriptions but I will say that endometriosis has a strong correlation with infertility. This was a huge burden on my mom. Coming from a family of seven children including herself she had dreams of having her own family. The circumstances at the time are irrelevant, all I will say is that my mom tried for a long time to have children of her own; she even went through fertility treatments but it seemed nothing was going to work. After a failed marriage my mom ended up dating my dad; it was by some chance or miracle and complete mistake that I was somehow conceived and nine months later on April 1, 1992 I was born. I am the first of three children in my family and I am damn proud of it. To my mom April fools marks my first glimpse of the world and her first miracle baby.
My dad has always been stern on the fact that April Fools ends at 12 noon and I can say I have only had one prank pulled on me in all my 22 birthdays. I sometimes forget how important today is for my parents and how wildly proud they are of the women I have become; though as of late my birthday feels almost entirely just like another day and holds hardly any meaning for me anymore, I am touched when I remember the path my mom had to travel to get to me. And I can not thank my mom enough for being the most wonderful influence a girl could ever ask for.
Today for me is not just a silly day full of pranks but I love that my birthday lands on such a playful day. What does April Fools day mean to you?

Screw Formal Introductions

I cry in the rain, I like the feel of the cool droplets on my head, but I love the sun and a welcomed cool breeze. I hate when my feet are wet or being misunderstood. I dont like to offend people especially those I open up enough to to confront and I hate when my heart hurts or when my emotions get confused. I like iced tea or the smell of pumpkin pie and the way a daisy carries its plain look so elegantly. I like when things are real but I surround myself with fake and I pretend its my life. My idols are Marilyn Monroe my mom and my grandma; all strong females with too much of the world holding them back. I respect my dad because hes done everything he can to make our lives beautiful and hes the hardest working man I will ever know. I love the feeling of being wrapped in someone's arms and the feel of soft skin on my lips. Especially eyelids. Im incredibly cheesy and entirely a closet romantic. I am not a fan of clothing shopping but I love buying new things. I like colourful and weird shit. If I draw I am in a total trance. My favorite colour is yellow and my favorite song is Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Ive watched Anastasia in a graveyard at night. Ive been cliff jumping and never knew a current until I couldn't swim in one. I swam in the ocean... in my clothes. Ive been on a plane four times and I still cringe. the last book I read was a textbook but my favorite novel is Great Gatsby. I use to have a dog named Gizzmo and he loved car rides and would cuddle up in bed. He use to make me feel less alone and when he died I dreamt he jumped up on my bed and curled up in my arms and I felt at ease. I once had a dream that shoke me so violently that I couldn't carry out my responsibilities of that day. Sometimes I have so little confidence I rehearse what i want to say over and over in my head before I say it; sometimes its so bad I do this while waiting in line to order food. I write but what's new. I once wrote a story very close and personal to me and my high school teacher said I should write what I know. I have a strange connection with birthday cards and I hoard "sentimental" things.I feel uncomfortable in crowds but I often shop alone, go to restraunts alone once even went to a movie alone- I had almost a whole row to myself. I close my eyes when I hear something I like and listen carefully to what others say. Sometimes I am to sensitive but I kind of like it that way.
I'm not perfect, far from it. I never tried to be; for the most part im just me whether I hate birds but love reptiles or my worst fear is drowning. Its all a part of something I dont always see. There's just a little intro into my world.

Dropping off the Edge of the Earth

When I was little I thought everyone I loved was strong and invincible. My grandma especially because she was always such an amazing women and always knew the right thing to say. To the very end she was defiant. Swearing and using profanities at the ripe age of 79. She saved me more times then I care to admit and was a shinning light in my sea of adolescent confussion. My lighthouse if you will. Though I would like to think I have grown up there is still advice I wish I could get from her. And now that she is gone ever so expectadly but still so suddenly, I feel as though my ship is sailing straight into darkness. For the last couple days since her death I have allowed myself to sail aimlessly off the edge of the Earth and I have shrunk to a lost and confused child once more.
I love her so dearly and miss her so much, and I dont think I will ever stop. Here's to a new adventure into the unknown. A road we will all travel in our own way.

Christine in Real Time

I never thought outside judgement effected me until I look back into my younger years. Oh how fearful I was of others and how oppressed I made myself. Years of life locked away and forgotten for the simple fact that I was afraid and ashamed. When I was in junior high I had two very close friends. The dynamic of all three of us wavered consistently but I always seemed to share a stronger bond with one in particular. She was a beautiful girl with petite features even for her age and besides being so incredibly jealous of her I also loved everything about her. I was not always the best friend in the world and I'm afraid it was out of my own fear that I sometimes judged her. My number one goal at the time was to somehow catch the attention of an attractive popular guy and keep it. I had no idea why I wanted this so bad, it was just simply the way things were supposed to be.
One day I had long forgotten until only a couple days ago I was sitting on the gym floor in a school assembly with my gorgeous best friend. Somehow whether I had given it to her or she had grabbed it our hands met. As I remember it she had made the move and I tried to justify it as a plea for support. For the remainder of the assembly I could not hear a word being said. As I begin to remember I can vividly recall how our fingers intertwined had felt. Iwas nervous and fearful that the wrong eyes would catch a glimpse and my mind swirled with guilt and pleasure. Being called a lesbian had always been an insult as long as I could remember and if it was shot your way you would giggle at the stupidity of it and deny deny deny. Of course my views have changed immensely and I no longer subscribe to that social misconception I grew up with in school. And of course my parents had always been supportive no matter what. However at that moment I was not ready to commit much more to the confusing feelings I felt and in some ways I think I'm still not.
At least now I can addmit though I was scared I was thankful for her hand in mine and finally I can say I enjoyed it just as much as I enjoy my boyfriends hand in mine today. I can say this without shame or judgment on myself or my friend and I feel lighter for it.