Christine in Real Time

I never thought outside judgement effected me until I look back into my younger years. Oh how fearful I was of others and how oppressed I made myself. Years of life locked away and forgotten for the simple fact that I was afraid and ashamed. When I was in junior high I had two very close friends. The dynamic of all three of us wavered consistently but I always seemed to share a stronger bond with one in particular. She was a beautiful girl with petite features even for her age and besides being so incredibly jealous of her I also loved everything about her. I was not always the best friend in the world and I'm afraid it was out of my own fear that I sometimes judged her. My number one goal at the time was to somehow catch the attention of an attractive popular guy and keep it. I had no idea why I wanted this so bad, it was just simply the way things were supposed to be.
One day I had long forgotten until only a couple days ago I was sitting on the gym floor in a school assembly with my gorgeous best friend. Somehow whether I had given it to her or she had grabbed it our hands met. As I remember it she had made the move and I tried to justify it as a plea for support. For the remainder of the assembly I could not hear a word being said. As I begin to remember I can vividly recall how our fingers intertwined had felt. Iwas nervous and fearful that the wrong eyes would catch a glimpse and my mind swirled with guilt and pleasure. Being called a lesbian had always been an insult as long as I could remember and if it was shot your way you would giggle at the stupidity of it and deny deny deny. Of course my views have changed immensely and I no longer subscribe to that social misconception I grew up with in school. And of course my parents had always been supportive no matter what. However at that moment I was not ready to commit much more to the confusing feelings I felt and in some ways I think I'm still not.
At least now I can addmit though I was scared I was thankful for her hand in mine and finally I can say I enjoyed it just as much as I enjoy my boyfriends hand in mine today. I can say this without shame or judgment on myself or my friend and I feel lighter for it.