I Must Have Missed That

Once I forgot how to write,

Sat blurry eyed at a blank screen,

Treating the keyboard like a minefield

Each letter threatening to go off at any minute,

waiting,

terrifying the fight out of me, controlling me.

Soon I forgot I had a voice.

The world grew louder and I

Grew smaller,

Dragged away by hands,

My heart longed to yell

NO.

But "no" is a privilege of the bold.

The castle once built with words was stomped on

by kids in the sandbox.

Metaphorically of course,

Because kids could never be so cruel...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

I remember equating my self to the number,

On an English piece I loved so much,

I felt so deeply.

Yet still she would write

"confusing... write what you know"

Well here is what I know;

Sometimes I forget how to run because

That one boy in gym class said

"You run funny".

Gathering laughter like tokens from the other guys;

Who would chime in with,

"You should really shave your legs".

Like some freak show had occurred;

I never knew hair grew back there...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

Once having words ripped from me,

thrown in my face,

I'm the joke.
Sprawled across a paper
In the form of a compliment:
I never knew you but...
you seem nice.
Or big and bold nothing else holding on..
Quiet. 

The quiet girl. 

Eventually the slut.

You loved to make me...

I must have missed that.

Her Loving

Her loving is unlike anything I’ve felt before. 

Its an undeniable pleasure, an indescribable craving. 

Her loving is the perfect contrast;
Her soft lips pressed firm against mine, rough and passionate, tender and yet so lustfully egar. Every nerve on end, 
my hand tangled in her hair desperately trying to bring her closer.
 
Her loving is like a song;
Her melody plays in my ear, the most beautiful harmony, a fusion of tapered breathing and sounds only my body knows how to respond too.
A song I don’t quite know the words to but I would listen all night long just to get it right. 


Her loving is intrinsic; 
She knows my body, she listens to it, she moves with it, her hands exploring and recording my movements. 
Every caress feels meant for me and I cannot get enough.


Her loving is essential;
Physically from her hand in mine too our bodies intertwined, the way we fit so perfectly side by side, the nudges and dancing our slow kiss and fast pace. 


Her loving is essential;
Mentally from our silly conversations to the overwhelming confrontations, the bubbly emotions and confused commotion of it all coming together at once. 


Her loving is beautiful

July 1 Day1

I can not begin to explain the feel of your hands on my skin.
The light touch and soft shock that sinks to my core.
And we walk as though there is no where else in the world quite like this,
Your arms on my hips and that one sweet light kiss
I wasnt expecting.
The air dances around us and teases your hair,
I just cant stop watching, I can't help but stare.
Your laugh that echoes between us fills every crack in the sidewalk
The way I imagine it soothing my heart of its dark talk.
And in a crowd it seemed it was just you and me
Your eyes were the point so far as I could see.
A moon orange and melodious hangs in front of us
As lights shimmer through the open sky.
My favorite part of today was you and I.

R is for: Rest

My eyes shutter before closing, lingering where watchfullness is needed
Plundering the day of its many sucesses and savoring the countless flaws
Body tight with raging life yet so exhausted it dare not move,
For fear of being strained much more.
Oh ever faithful mind I thank you for your treck through tired hours.
The moments ripening between my fingertips, struggling to meet its end.
Echoing in my ears are waves of uncertain tomorrows
But my eyelids are much to heavy to worry or dwell.
With the future just around the corner and the past hidding behind the bend
There is much to ponder silently in darkness.
But I let led fill my reluctant body toes to grateful eyes stinging closed.
I think I will rest peacefully tonight.

O is for: Only Time

Clouded temperament and collapsing judgment always closing and ever looming

With expectations and fondness consistently a flower blooming.

She floats with ease through my troubled mind and bubbles fear for who am I

The rain falls close in my heart and lifts my spirits to the sky.

Over emotional, out of touch, in a good place and in a rush.

Soft breath on the back of my neck

And my own breathing I must check

Eventually time will tell

Where we belong

If we belong

Together

in the

End

N is for: Naked

The other night a whole other world opened up to me and I was high on the simple act of being around you, I had felt it before but this was stronger.
I wanted to ride that wave and I could feel how much I want to be with you and not just physically; and how maybe you felt it too.
I tried to change my life, up and leave and simple words got confused and lost as I felt you pull away and take my hope with you.
I can still feel the soft and fast rhythm of your heart, hear it taunting my ears and making the moment feel alive. And there was no where else I would rather be.
But your words become fewer and your mind seems it is elsewhere and my heart begins to sink because I can only assume where it may be.
And I can feel those walls begin to close the gap they had just opened and my own walls begin to enclose me once more.
Maybe I'm just crazy, maybe it was just not our day and my mind ran away with it all.
When you hugged me I could feel my world of worry melt away and it felt like where I was supposed to be. And I wanted so badly for that to last,
I wanted so badly for you to feel the same and I forgot to remember that you really just might not;
And it scares me because I've never felt so damn open and naked and I can't help but notice I want this more then anything I have ever wanted before.
I want this more then I want my career and more then I want to feel needed, more then the fear it would take to overcome, more then I want to hide.

M is for: Misunderstood

I just can't seem to get it right. Just what I want to say.
and I mess it up so frequently, I feel you melt away.
No one has a perfect match, no one knows them in and out
I know that you are different and this I know without a doubt:
When I see you I know happiness I've never known before,
and there's so much to your mind I never quite know what's in store,
You're skeptical but humble and you care like countless few,
There's not much that I wouldn't do if I knew it was for you.
My words get me in trouble, I need to learn to shut my mouth
Before I drag my hurt and fear to bring this from north to south.
Forgive my insecurities, my flaws and all my doubt
I hope that you will give me a chance and we can figure this all out.

L is for: Longing

I'd like to be your smile, be the longing in your heart
Be the one you think of daily and who gives your morning start.
The goodnight you always wait for before you close your eyes to sleep
The weary mind that carries thoughts of you I always wish to keep.
I know you're just fine without  me making meaning on your own
And I'm sorry that your sunshine has been knocked down from its throne.
Id like to be that fire burning deep within your soul 
And the part that makes you wonder if you've ever felt this whole.
But I'm not quite sure its what you want, or all that you deserve
You pull me close then push away or at least as I observe.
I just wish that I could hold you through each and everyday.
and tell you with much certainty that everything's okay.

K is for: Kicked

I can't read her but she's got me flung open like a book;
I just can't help but feel I am ruining it with every word and every look.
I've got an inkling that the real me was simply never meant to be seen
I am far more exposed then I think I've ever been.
She knows my hiding place and every area in between,
And it all plays out like an inconsistent dream.
I begin to worry, my mind is my demise,
I start to overthink, overwhelm her with my cries.
This is where she will slip away I'm sure she's done by now,
And I will try to let it go but at this point I don't know how,
I was scared I'd be a nuisance and by trying not to be
I think I crossed the line and its far to hard to see.
I won't close off, I won't retreat; I'll wait patiently
While the dust settles and she decides what to think of me.

F is for: Frigid Sensitivity

I lay awake thinking of you.
But I really shouldn't say that.
I think about your complicated mind,
and I let myself get lost in it.
I think about where it wanders to when there is contemplative silence,
And that distant look in your eyes that draws me in.
But what good is it to say so.
I have an impossible urge to talk to you,
All.The.Time.
When I wake up- I refrain.
I'm terrified I'll tell you I dreamt of you again.
And I get how annoying that is.
I have a strange desire to be close to you.
Possibly too close.
Most likely too close.
And I can imagine lying in your lap telling you about my messed up thoughts,
Trailing my fingertips along your leg absent-mindedly.
However there is no need for you to know the fantasies in my head.
I fight to stay awake, your voice in my ears, face on the back of my eyelids,
And a small feeling of connection;
I am sometimes content.
I worry that we will go on like this forever and I'll just be to afraid.
Always wondering.
Always dreaming.
Thinking endlessly of you but never moving.

D is for: Definitely D's

I don't doubt danger dodges dashing devils as they dance deceitfully through a delightful dawn.
Defiance dissolving the dust of distant dreams,
doing little but dangling distracted damsels in decadent gowns.
Destructive degenerates grasping for decapitated fantasies, digging a dagger deep into your disheveled heart.
Drag me with the strings of your discomfort, drugged by your distress.
And dare to deliver different discourse in this disaster of a world. definitely

C is for: Caged Courage

A tiny bird flaps chaotically inside her tiny cold cage,
just as my heart slams longingly against its own make shift prison bars.
Like lifeless callus guards sculpted from bone, with every breath creating false hope of escape.
The heart would run away with the mind if only it were free to roam;
but as it is, its held in place excluded and alone.
Words float away from my heart and become stuck in my throat, lingering with discomfort, nestling into a new home.
Never recognised or heard.
It feels as though there are millions of bees swarming inside my head, tangling reason in its wake.
I never said I was courageous, in fact it is true I am a coward,
Comfortable and lost in my own defeated tower.
Like Alice falling bewildered down the rabbit hole of life, curiouser and curiouser in a psychedelic flight.
Thought is only in her mind or maybe that's just what we believe, her courage isn't caged like mine so longs to be.

B is for: Bold and Bizarre

The moments rush is slowly slipping away and I want it back,
I want to feel my heart racing and my stomach turning, my breath raged against the empty silence.
I need to feel the quick release of inhibition and reason.
Every thought in my mind screaming yes. yes. yes.
Yes please, allow me to dive in to those deep blue eyes.
Look directly in and let that lifeless guard down.
Don't silence those desperate words.
Watching carefully as my features come alive around your incandescent presence and I sigh;
I thought it would slip away,
just disappear.
But the sight of you makes it stronger yet.
My heart has found its way to the bottoms of my rib cage and it is such a strange sensation;
I like it though my throat has become more restricted.
It is your face painted distractedly on the back of my mind.
It is your understanding reply, that untainted beauty and miraculous smile.
And I can't ignore the reservoir of depth beyond my comprehension.
I am taunted,
but unbothered and I need to stand up but I am forced to be seated.
I'll admit, I think of you far more often then I should.
I  am so dizzy with infatuation that I would probably only scare you away;
But it's more complicated then that.
In the most bizarre of ways,   
All I really want to say is I like you.

This is For You

Picture taken from Pinterest

I find you to be intoxicatingly mysterious 
and the more I think I know the less I feel I actually do,
and I wonder were my mind meets reality in this territory I have yet to master.
Keeping every kind of thought at bay with innocent intention. 
And tip toed through egg shells trying not to create reckless havoc.
The quiet soul you poses is more then you give credit and I merely wish to see it grow above your miscontent.
Though I am a shadowed figure demanding to be let in,
I have nothing but respect and awe inspired by your image.
I see beauty hiding outward and lying guarded from within;
its the pull that has its stammered clammy hands to hit send.

Turning Point

Every muscle in my body contracts and I can feel the frustration coursing through my veins.
Words bang on the inside of my tired chest; I just can't hold it in no more.
It's been tipping my tongue and pounding in my heart; but I just can't let it out.
Tell me will time change the uneasy bubbling in my stomach;
Will it carry away with it this desire?
Dragging with it the walls that surround my life as I know it;
I just don't want to lose this, I can not let it end.
Time is perhaps the enemy as it will wear on and this may fade out of view.
Just how long do I think I can withhold the charade.
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice fails me and my eyes burn and my body shakes and the world disappears and everything is behind me like a misguided past with nothing better to do then stay where it belongs until the bricks threaten to break.
Just a single word and my mind is swirling and I'm pushing just a little to vigorously...
I lye sprawled across a tangled thorn looking up into bright eyes and sideways into even brighter ones.
Take my mind from the space where it wanders and throw it into purgatory until its locked down the place where it belongs.

Jumbled

I can't shake this unbearable dread.
Its in my body and racing around my head.
Only I dont know what it is and I dont know where it comes from,
All I know is that my eyes are dull and my life has become numb.
Im a monster in reality.
Look at all I've done to me.
And watch how I've molded these mounds to look how I see and what ill be.
Because I lie. Because I've lied.
And in its wake Im petrified, out of time, in a cry, speak my line, left to dry.
The world has no sympathy, for I've manufactured my own misery.
I hope some day I'll finally be
at peace with whats inside of me.
Until then prick my fingers, pull my hair, tug at my waistline- there is much to spare.
Im your plastic Barbie doll with less a mind if a mind at all.
And in the end you'll find me vacant,  pacing ideally, prepared to fall.
Talk to me tender I love your sweet soft voice in the pitch dark palace of my soul.

The Scarcity of Words

To the world and a soul I keep for myself;
Soft eyes.
They see such delicate colours of me im afraid they're beyond reality.
Dark hair.
So deep and long and beautiful that I wish to feel my way through its boundaries.
Trembling lips and wavering laugh.
Both so delicate I can't ignore their fragile existence and I pretend they are mine.
Cautious smile.
Always questioning the moment, the timing and its own undying presence.
Let those eyes envelop me and carry me with them into those sweet fragile hands and if I can't feel your arms surround me know that I dream of it. And if I cant run my fingers through your hair know that I envy whoever will. And if I never get to kiss those trembling lips know that the world is dimmer for it.
Finger nails painted pail like the moon light traveling down my spin and it catches my breath ever so slightly.
You wonder what I say but they are words of scarcity and it is never what you think.
Love, hesitated openness

Midnight Sky

Warning: 

The following poem may be triggering for victims and is graphic. Please proceed cautiously and with consideration. 

Once upon a midnight sky, the world of wonder, dreams fogged sigh.
She walked with ease, a quiet whisper, along the breeze.
Dragging behind her, a long dark dress, that flows so slightly with a pur.
One closer glance its ripped, its torn
Her eyes are darkened
Face scrapped, tired, bloody. She's a mess.
There's hands burned painfully on her neck,
bruises painted inside her thighs.
tears no longer pierce her tender checks but the path has been made.
Hes long gone, she's left for dead,
ripped wide open, the streetside her bed.
Gentlemen pass so very unaware of what could be possibly lying there.
Her grave is shameful, she'd never tell, what horrible fate she had befell;
Upon that midnight sky.

Anger

If only there were some way to show the world what lies inside,
Maybe then I could understand what it is I am trying to hide...
There's something bubbling inside of me; its unlike anything I've felt before.
I want to scream and throw a fit, but here's the key now slam the door.

Hopeful Doubt

Its easy to love but forget to be loved; to fall and forget to get back up; to hurt but forget why and to tremble but forget its okay to be scared.    
Sometimes its just saying yes when its what you need to hear. Saying yes because all you've heard is no. Picking up the dead leaves others have pulled from your branches and starting over.
Its like falling asleep because you don't know what else to do or making a mess out of everything you thought you knew. And feeling lonely even when everyone's around and you're stuck in a big empty crowd, with nothing to say. Its pointless tears when no ones around, or heartache so deep you're going to drown. And speaking out but no one hears and singing loud for your own ears. Feeling lost with no direction.
But you're okay. Or atleast so they say. And you'll get there someday.