Chants from the Outside

When you're sick of hearing
Your hairs too short,
Why don't you smile.
I liked you better ---
You could be pretty,
If you lost some ---
If you got some---
If you wore this
If you did that.
Keep your chin up,
No more weakness
Opps I mean sadness.
Take that fat off.
Fix those eyebrows,
Still not loved yet?
Don't be needy,
Control control control,
Those emotions,
That girliness,
Their desires,
That hair,
Your voice...
Enough!
Do you have a voice?
Does it matter?
Of course it matters,
Make it heard.
Quiet the noises,
You are wonderful.
You are just for you.

I Must Have Missed That

Once I forgot how to write,

Sat blurry eyed at a blank screen,

Treating the keyboard like a minefield

Each letter threatening to go off at any minute,

waiting,

terrifying the fight out of me, controlling me.

Soon I forgot I had a voice.

The world grew louder and I

Grew smaller,

Dragged away by hands,

My heart longed to yell

NO.

But "no" is a privilege of the bold.

The castle once built with words was stomped on

by kids in the sandbox.

Metaphorically of course,

Because kids could never be so cruel...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

I remember equating my self to the number,

On an English piece I loved so much,

I felt so deeply.

Yet still she would write

"confusing... write what you know"

Well here is what I know;

Sometimes I forget how to run because

That one boy in gym class said

"You run funny".

Gathering laughter like tokens from the other guys;

Who would chime in with,

"You should really shave your legs".

Like some freak show had occurred;

I never knew hair grew back there...

I must have missed that.

How Stupid.

Once having words ripped from me,

thrown in my face,

I'm the joke.
Sprawled across a paper
In the form of a compliment:
I never knew you but...
you seem nice.
Or big and bold nothing else holding on..
Quiet. 

The quiet girl. 

Eventually the slut.

You loved to make me...

I must have missed that.

No Other You

I've been thinking about how I never remember dreams of you any more,

and how it seemed to convince you that my love was gone.

It appeared to hurt you so deeply so I try not to tell you how I can still feel you there,

How I just never seem to remember.

You've watched my words grow thin and my dreams disappear,

My motivation diminish,

Moods swinging haphazardly from the ceiling, wondering what will happen next.

When you're so happy to see me but I break out in anger,

You're excitement fades to a tired

"Not again"

I can't stand to see you hurt but I do it anyway.

Why do I do it.

I worry that I've scared you so badly you may never understand.

And I just can't explain;

How I no longer need to dream of you...

All I need to do is wake up.

I just need to open my eyes.

How the real you is far better then any you I could ever conjure in a dream.

And how I just can't write you justice.

The words sound too small. The thoughts come out wrong.

And though there are so many ways to describe beauty,

I find my self stuck with the task of describing something much more then any beauty I've encountered before.

I can't describe the amount of overwhelming cute you exude with just one look.

Or how I know if I never heard you say 'g-night' the way you do again I would be lost.

How you give me at the very least 3 kisses before we close our eyes,

And if I fall asleep before those 3 kisses how you are upset with me the next morning.

One time you were so upset you tried to sneak out without even saying goodbye;

Your stubborn stance when I woke up and asked for a kiss and you finally gave it to me. Begrudgingly, half heartedly.

But you never stay very angry for long.

And then I invade your face with mine and you're just annoyed.

They are those little things that make you, you.

That make it so hard to feel satisfied by any other hug when all I want is yours.

Or how you're the only person who can make my baby voice seem less ridiculous then it really is.

You're the tickle fight master even when I pretend that I'm not the least bit ticklish, "cross my heart".

Because one time someone told me if you ignore it, its not so much fun

And if its not so much fun people wont tickle you any more.

I hated that stupid tickle feeling.

But I just can't deny how amazing your smile feels when you break through just a little and I allow myself to feel it. Laughter ripping from our throats so loud I hope even Mar's can hear. 

I can't tell you how often I think about that smile.

I just can't believe its for me. 

Are You Still There

Hello are you still there.
Can you still hear me, watching me with that intent but secret gaze.
Do you still inspect me with those bright careful eyes;
Do they wander my face admiring the dimples you use to kiss with such delight,
Do you monitor my mind with the same beautiful curiosity.
Does your breath still catch when I kiss you,
So slightly that it is almost unnoticeable.
I don't feel that gaze so intent any more,
The grip loosening and listening ears drifting.
The interest fading.
I love you more than ever. Please say you're still there.

The Moment If It Comes

Once I found you, I couldn't help but stare and the obstacle of your eyes made my hair stand on end;
Knee buckled blindness, you were far too out of reach;
I worried you were much too star like, maybe you'd already burnt out.
If I was nervous you couldn't tell as you removed my heart and examined its purpose,
You watched as it beat and you asked why it murmured so loudly;
I wondered if you were annoyed with the way it made your head pound as you lay there;
And I could feel you press harder as though you were making sure it would not escape.
I could never have known then that I would later hold your heart too and we would beat as one,
Like waves breaking down the edge of a rock ,
I never knew my heart could be so powerful, never knew together we could be so unstoppable.
You could have left me there catatonic begging for your breath,
Singing with my soul for your touch, the one I never knew I'd have,
But I would miss as though it had always been a part of me if it ever disappeared.
That moment if it comes would be the death of me.

Jitter Bugs

They are jitters,
bugs crawling beneath my skin,
Leaving a tickle under there that doesnt make me laugh, it makes me uncomfortable and it spreads through my body.
My mind a toxic waste land spinning out tales of misery and what ifs,
Telling me that sleep doesn't exist in its world.
Anxiety isnt exciting,  it doesnt always give me butterflies, usually it gives me moths that skitter and jump and leave their disturbing dust everywhere;
Pounding relentlessly into my vital organs and trying to climb my throat.
Blocking the only exit "help" can escape from.
Sometimes its knawing at me from the inside out begging me to tear my skin off.
Mostly its misdirected anger, fear and a crying fit I can't take back.
When its here I'm afraid of what may happen
But when its gone im terrified of when it will be back.
And it will be back.
its only a matter of time before a tangled mess of jitter bugs are nesting in my mind Once again.

A Photo

Take the photographs I purposely left you out of
Burn them hopelessly beneath your eyes and once you're tired of them
Throw them away and never look back
Don't worry about how that part of me will go away with it
Know that time is meant to be lived, not captured.
When you see the fear in my eyes
Don't run
Pull the fear out, examine it, remind it not to be ignored.
Fear grows under pressure, it feeds on your anxiety.
Watch the memories in your mind until they no longer hold any meaning
Show them light and remember them for the way they were,
Remove yourself,
Don't daydream about words never said
And leave out your romanticized ideas of how things really went.

Hold the photographs I purposely left me out of close,
Imprint them confidently beneath your eye lids and once you believe them,
Breath there essence in and keep the scent in mind
Try not to mistake confidence for cockiness
Know that accepting your worth doesn't undermine it.
When you see fear in your eyes
Embrace it
Pull the fear out and remind yourself you're not alone.
Watch the memories in your mind when you need them,
Show them patience and understanding,
Remove yourself,
But allow yourself to fall in love with them
Say the words you never said and feel every moment.
Plan a little but be prepared for change
When an opportunity appears, consider it
And if it terrifies you beyond belief, take it.